


You sound familiar...

by There_Once_Was_A_Girl



Category: Check Please! (Webcomic)
Genre: AU, Angst, Fluff, M/M, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Slow Burn, Trauma, Vlogger AU, sort of
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-02-07
Updated: 2017-04-08
Packaged: 2018-09-22 18:42:17
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 23
Words: 28,760
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9620591
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/There_Once_Was_A_Girl/pseuds/There_Once_Was_A_Girl
Summary: My Fandom Trumps Hate Auction fic!When his family moves to Madison Eric realizes that he can't escape his trauma by running, and he is more alone than ever. He starts his vlog to spread his recipes to the world and to find a community of support. His followers mean more to him than he can say.Jack starts watching cooking tutorials after the overdose in an attempt to gain some independence from his parents by cooking his own meals. His favorite channel is one where a tiny southern boy explains everything clearly and enthusiastically. He becomes an enthusiastic follower/commenter. After three years the last person he expects to turn up on his team at Samwell is one Eric Bittle





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

  * For [LaughingCat](https://archiveofourown.org/users/LaughingCat/gifts).



> For LaughingCat who is an angel and donated so much more than she needed to for this auction. Thank you lovely!
> 
> Fair warning this starts off fairly angsty, it get's so much fluffier as it goes on I swear.

Moving was supposed to make things better. Eric knew it was supposed to make things better, and he told his parents that it had. He couldn’t bear to tell them the truth, not after everything that had happened. He couldn’t tell them the truth after everything he had put them through. He had encouraged the move, had wanted to move desperately. He had been miserable before the move. It had gotten worse and worse in the two years since the utility closet incident.

His Mama still got teary-eyed when she thought about the day; how they hadn’t known where their baby was, had searched and searched for him all night. They had issued a police report for a missing person and everything. Coach told Eric Mama had been hysteric by the time the janitor found him in the morning, battered, bruised, and bleeding, but completely silent just sitting in the corner of the closet. Eric never told his parents the details of what happened. He didn’t tell them who did it. He couldn’t, he was too afraid of what would happen if he got the boys in trouble. When they asked why he wasn’t making any noise in the morning he just shrugged. He didn’t tell them that it was because he had already screamed himself hoarse the night before and then completely broken down when no one answered. He didn’t tell them that he hadn’t even realized it was morning, or that he had stopped feeling the pain of his bruises, by the time they found him. He didn’t tell them that he had flinched from the janitor, hardly seeing the man himself where he was hidden behind Eric’s memories of the boys who had hurt him and locked him up.

The thing was, his parents knew that it had been awful but they thought it was over. It had been two years. After two years Eric didn’t know how to tell his parents that the memory never faded, that every time someone moved towards him too fast he saw the face of one of the boys for a moment. That every single time he had a moment of complete terror, remembering the broken fear of being alone and in pain, convinced that no one was ever going to come back for him. He didn’t tell his parents that he couldn’t go into his closet anymore. Instead he had gotten an extra dresser for all his clothes and told his Mama he just preferred it. He didn’t tell his parents that even bathrooms sometimes made his breathing quicken, the space too small for him. 

When they had suggested the move Eric had jumped at the chance. Coach had a good job offer, so it would be great for him, but more importantly he could get away from where it happened. When they had asked all he had thought of was never having to walk through the school again. All that mattered was never having to see the door to the utility closet again; never having to see the faces of those boys in real life; getting as far from what had happened as possible. He had been convinced that it would make things better. Except he hadn’t thought it through. Moving meant leaving the familiar comforts of home too. It meant leaving Katya. Leaving his coach meant giving up figure skating, there was no point trying to find a new one since no one could compare, and no point trying to continue without Katya. At the time Eric had been in a dark enough place that he thought it was the right idea. He was exhausted from working harder than ever to get to Junior Regionals. Then he got bullied for skating at all. He was sick of all of it. He was sure that it would get better if they moved.

It took until they actually moved and were in Madison for Eric to realize that he couldn’t just run away from trauma. He couldn’t move and just expect to leave everything that had made life difficult behind. He was still a closeted gay boy in Georgia. He was still small and gentle, liked to bake, used to figure skate. He had escaped one set of bullies but that didn’t guarantee that there wouldn’t be others. It was good for a while, to be free of the specific people, to be free of the school where it had happened. There were less triggers in Madison, but that didn’t mean there weren’t any. Sometimes Eric wondered if it was almost worse here. At least back home he had known where everyone stood, he knew the bullies and the people who were, if not his friends, at least friendly to him. At least at home he had been able to skate out all of the anger and fear, to let it drive him harder so he could turn it into something beautiful. It was hard, hard not to get angry and want to grab the nearest baseball bat and take it to the nearest homophobe’s head. The only thing was if he did that he’d better be ready to fight at least half of Georgia, and they would send him to jail. So instead he had poured all of his anger into his skates, let it push him forwards and into the air where no one could touch him. Now that was gone.

Eric couldn’t tell his parents that he felt more alone than ever, not when he had asked for this, not when his parents were so happy in Madison. When his dad told him about the local club hockey team, co-ed, no checking. Eric leapt at the chance. He just wanted to get back on the ice. He was better at hockey than he was expecting, and he enjoyed it more than he had ever thought he might. Still, it wasn’t the same. Back home Katya and the other people who trained under her had been his friends. They had understood him, accepted him for exactly who he was. He had never told any of them he was gay but he thought Katya knew. He had never minded, Katya would never out him, or care what gender he fell for as long as nothing got in the way of skating. On his hockey team he had… acquaintances. They were polite to him, friendly even but he just didn’t know who to trust. He felt stranded and alone, which was how it started.

Eric had always maintained his tumblr obsessively. Mostly he posted about food, recipes and reviews, but occasionally he would talk about his life. He had a few followers, not many but enough that he felt encouraged to continue. It was one of them that gave him the idea that changed his life. He had posted about hockey, and one of his followers had messaged him. He wasn’t used to that, no one ever talked to him directly. 

‘Do you think you’d ever consider making videos? Like a vlog or something? It would be so much easier to follow along and understand your recipes. (Plus I kinda want to see the miraculous human person who can bake as much as you and still be an athlete!). You could tell us about you too! Anyway just a thought! Hope hockey is good!’ 

When he first got the message he replied thanking them for the thought but advising that he didn’t think it was likely. He dismissed it. It wouldn’t be his thing. No, talking at a camera, or his laptop anyway, would just be weird. Still the thought remained at the back of his mind, and sprang up insidiously at the worst moments. He even went as far as to try recording openings a couple times. He would set up his laptop and start it recording, try to talk, only to fumble over words, or just feel like an idiot and give up. It was silly. Who wanted to watch him talk about his boring life, and demonstrate his recipes? He always thought it was easy to follow plain old written instructions. ‘Except,’ whispered the insidious voice, ‘you know all the terminology, all the ways to do things recipes tell you to do. Not everyone does. It would help to see it demonstrated.’ He ignored it. ‘If people watched it would almost be like human interaction, but without having to deal with the people.’ The voice reminded him. He put his headphones in and let Beyonce drown out his own thoughts. 

Then one day one of the boys in his class called him a f*&got, hissing it under his breath at Eric in the hallway. It was the first time he had heard the word in Madison, the first time anyone here was openly hostile instead of indifferent. Eric shrank in upon himself as his mind flashed with memories of violence. Suddenly the crowd of bodies around him was far too much, and he kept thinking he saw his old enemies among them. He couldn’t bear to stay in the crowded hallway. He managed to make it to the nearest classroom, blissfully empty except for his Geometry teacher, but the fear running through him was followed by nausea and he had barely been in the room a moment before he was vomiting his breakfast into the trashcan. Mrs Thompson, a sweet lady despite the fact that she taught math, rushed to his side and patted his back gently. 

“Oh you poor thing, are you alright?” She asked, offering him a tissue to wipe his mouth with. He accepted it gratefully. 

“Sorry, I just… don’t feel well.” Eric offered, not even trying to explain. She nodded. 

“Yes, well I saw that. Come on dear, why don’t you go get your things and head on down to the Nurse’s office. Call your folks to come get you, unless you drove?” 

“Not sixteen yet.” Eric muttered. She nodded and sent him off to the office. Part of him wanted to protest. He hated himself for getting sent home over something so small. He had dealt with that and so much worse every day at his old school. Except he hadn’t been ready for it here. He had let himself hope that he wouldn’t find the same treatment here, so when the word came it triggered a stronger response than he was ready for. In the end he just let everyone make their own assumptions. His Mama when she arrived, took one look at him and knew he wasn’t just sick.

“Dicky, did something happen?” She asked. 

“I just got really claustrophobic in the hallway. It wouldn’t have happened normally but I didn’t eat a good breakfast.” This was a lie, Eric knew the most important meal of the day. “And I was dehydrated, so I was already dizzy, then it just got to me and I ended up throwing up. It’s nothing.” He told her. She frowned at him.

“Okay Dicky, I just worry. I haven’t seen that look on your face since right after… Well, if you’re sure you’re alright.”

“I’m fine, Mama, this has nothing to do with that. I’ve always been claustrophobic.” He told her. Somehow over the past few years he had convinced his parents that this was true. It wasn’t entirely false, he had been mildly claustrophobic since he was young, but it was the closet that made it bad. He didn’t let them think about that part. His Mama drove him home and made sure he was alright before returning to her studio where she painted furniture into art.

Eric cleaned himself up, a sense of purpose he didn’t really understand driving him. Then he brought his laptop into his kitchen and set out everything he would need for Moomaw’s Apple pie recipe. Without letting himself think to hard about it he started his laptop camera recording and smiled at it. 

“Hey, y’all Eric Bittle here. Someone suggested to me a while back that I should make a vlog so I can show you how to use the recipes I put up best. I figured I’d give it a shot so today I’m gonna show you how to make the perfect apple pie…” He started. He narrated his actions as he made up the pie dough and set it in the fridge to chill, then as he chopped apples, and added ingredients. He wasn’t sure exactly how much he would keep in and how much he would edit but he recorded it all. Once he had a fresh pie, steam rising from the small holes in the perfect lattice he smiled at the camera again and lifted a hand in a tiny wave. 

“Thanks for watching! If you liked it maybe I’ll see you again.” He told the anonymous potential future viewers. 

He spent the afternoon editing the video so it showed only the important parts of the process and was of a decent length. He created a new youtube account for it, with a pie for an icon and posted the video before he could decide against it. Then he waited. 

Over the next few days his video got a few views, and more importantly, comments. 

‘Oh my god this came out so perfect! I’ve never baked anything right before but you made it so simple!” 

‘Are you an actual literal pie angel?!”

‘Thank you so much for this video! My family loved this!’ 

There were only three that first week but Eric found that they stuck in his head. When he was sad, or even just bored, he remembered the words. He kept checking his view count, thinking about the people who made his recipe, wondering who they were, who they had made pie for, and whether they liked it. He found himself with his laptop in the kitchen a week later, everything laid out to be prepared for a blueberry crumble. That was how it all started.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bitty's vlog gets bigger and things get better

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey, this chapter is really just for all of you. It's for everyone who has read, and left kudos and especially for everyone who has left me comments. Thank you!

Every week’s video got more and more views. They got comments, thanking him for the recipes, telling him how things had worked out. They would ask him for tips. Sometimes they sent him requests. Eric’s blog quickly became a stash of recipes, videos, and a place for his followers to talk to him directly. They did talk to him now, all of them because of his videos. They all knew who he was, what he looked like, what he sounded like and how he acted. None of them cared. Everyone told him that he was adorable, or beautiful, or sweet. As he posted more and more videos, his youtube followers increased. 

Eric felt like he had a secret that surrounded him in a bubble of warmth. He started with just five those first two weeks, and those five people who believed in him who wanted to see whatever videos he posted online was like something out of a dream. Perfect strangers. There were perfect strangers out there in the world who thought it was worth their time to watch his videos. Strangers who left him comments to tell him that their days were better because of him. Every day had to dedicate some time to responding to his comments. That was at the start. Then he started gaining followers, and Eric felt like he was going to melt. As his follower count went to twenty, and then fifty, and then a hundred, then more, it became one of the most important things in his life. Every single day he took time to respond to every single comment. It took more time than he ever would have expected. Eventually he just sat down in front of his camera in his room. 

“Hey Y’all!” He greeted, grinning. “It has been a crazy couple months! I started making these videos six months ago because I was a lonely little fifteen year old kid with a failing baking blog, and now here I am and there’s a couple hundred of you out there talking to me and watching this! I can’t tell everyone how much it means to hear that you love my videos and my recipes. But I’ve been getting loads of questions, including a bunch of non-baking related ones, and I figured it would be easier to answer them this way.” He took a deep breath. 

“First of all Laughingcat asked me about my family! I love my family. My Mama is a stay at home mom and an artist in her free time but she bakes just like the rest of us. Her Mama taught her and me. That’s my Moomaw, that woman is a baking witch, I swear to you, and just the sweetest lady you’ll ever meet. She taught me how to make her apple pie when I was five years old and I’ve been doing it ever since! My dad is a high school football coach. He’s so good at what he does. The team is doing really well this year. I swear Coach spends more time with his quarterback than the boy’s daddy does, they’re always talking plays.” Eric laughed. Sometimes he thought his father spent more time with his players than he did with Eric, but he didn’t hold it against the players. So far they had all left him alone, probably out of respect for his dad as a coach.

“That takes me into my next question, which I got from quite a few folks. Yes, I understand football, very well, yes those were purposeful references. I haven’t grown up under a rock lovelies. I show y’all the pie side of me but there are other sides too…” He kept going from there, answering questions, teasing his beautiful followers for some of them and blushing at others. He was a little hesitant about posting that video in particular, but he put it up as promised.

The response Eric got was insane. He got more comments than almost any other video begging him to talk more about his life in his videos. He responded to every single one of them, feeling his world get a little lighter with each of them. Soon he was posting twice a week, one baking video, one where he just sat down and talked about life. He answered questions and gave tips but mostly he talked about hockey and high school and everything else there was to say. He bitched about his teachers, and explained family drama, kept everyone up to date on his world. It was odd to feel obligated to tell hundreds of internet strangers all about anything that happened in his life, but he did, and for some reason they really all wanted to hear it. Every morning the first thing he did when he woke up was check his notifications for comments. Every single one of them made his day brighter. Even when he saw harsh commentary his fans immediately shot them down and that in itself was almost better. To know that there were people out there who would jump to his defense. 

Madison wasn’t much kinder than their small hometown had been. There were still bullies, and Eric, figure skater or not, was the perfect bait for bullies. Everyone wanted to pick on the tiny, slightly feminine, baking boy. He still got slurs spat at him, still got shoved in the hallways, but there wasn’t as much outright physical violence. Eric still panicked sometimes, still struggled, but it was easier somehow. Knowing that he had these people, these hundreds of people who believed in him, loved his videos and him just for who he was. It was like a shield between him and the rest of the world. When he felt all alone he remembered that somewhere out there were people who were happy to see him every week. It was something to keep him going on the worst of days. Sometimes he found himself admitting to the camera when he had a bad day, and on those days his followers poured out so much love that he couldn’t believe it. 

Things weren’t perfect, but they got better. He supposed it was because for the first time in a very long time, Eric didn’t feel alone. He remembered the feeling of being locked in the closet, and giving up on anyone coming for him, so delirious with pain and sadness that he was convinced he was going to die in that closet. He had been so sure that no one would care all that much. Sure his Mama would be sad, but her life would be so much easier, so much better without him around. He had felt certain then, in the lonely darkness that he had no one in the whole wide world. Now he knew that there were people out there who he helped, people who came to him for advice, people whose lives he made better. No matter what he would never again feel like everyone would be better off if he just stayed in the darkness and died alone. No, there were at least a few hundred people out there who would check in vain for his videos and mourn the end of them, perhaps worry about what had happened to him. It didn’t stop his panic attacks. He still couldn’t set foot in a walk in closet. But afterwards, when Eric was pulling himself back together he could pull up all the positive comments and remind himself that he was wanted and that people cared. It was a handhold to pull himself back up with, and it was more than Eric had ever hoped for. 

It was hard sometimes, not to mention anything to people in his life about his followers, his videos. Eric’s parents knew he had a baking vlog but they didn’t know how important it was to him. They didn’t know that this was his support. It was hard not to talk about the people he knew from the internet who had become his friends. He knew that everyone would say that it didn’t count. It wasn’t “real” it was “just on the internet.” Eric thought they were fools. These were the people who kept him going day after day. His vlog made him feel important, made his life feel worthwhile. It might have seemed silly to anyone else but to him it was huge and important, and mattered more than he could express to the people who supported his videos. He couldn’t tell them how much it meant to him that he had an impact, a current real impact that wasn’t ‘someday you’ll grow up and do this or that’ that wasn’t just ‘well your family cares.’ He mattered Now. He did something worthwhile now. He made people smile, helped them make food to make the world a happier place. It was a feeling like one he had never had. It certainly didn’t fix everything. Eric had learned after moving, that his problems were never just going to go away. He knew that the lingering effects of his trauma would likely be something he carried and dealt with for the rest of his life. The difference was that now Eric felt as if it was worth fighting against it all to get better, and he felt as if he finally had sturdy ground beneath his feet so that he could deal with things. 

When Eric’s parents asked him how he was doing in Madison he told them honestly, that things were so much better. It just wasn’t because they had moved.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry if this got a bit repetitive but I really wanted to get across where Bitty's at in this chapter because a lot of these feelings are coming from the heart. I don't have a vlog but I have this, and you can't understand how much everyone's support means to me.
> 
> Next time: Jack enters the narrative! 
> 
> Thanks for reading!


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jack wants to be able to take care of himself... except he can't cook worth a damn

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is pretty short, just an introduction to Jack in this story

Jack felt like a burden. Everyone kept telling him that it wasn’t his fault. His parents kept telling him that his only job right now is to get better. Jack hated it. No one had made him take those pills. Sure he hadn’t really done it on purpose, he hadn’t been trying to overdose he had been trying to make his brain stop screaming, but he had done it. He couldn’t see how that wasn’t his fault. And he felt useless. After getting out of the hospital, and out of rehab, his parents had brought him home. For the first time in as long as he could remember Jack wasn’t playing hockey competitively. He had thought it would be freeing, that he would feel like he could relax. He had thought he would be glad to be free of the pressures of it all. Except he wasn’t. 

Jack hated not playing hockey. He hated “relaxing.” He wanted to be doing something, but his parents wouldn’t let him train properly. They insisted that he take it easy. So he was allowed to run and occasionally work out but never really train, never get back on the ice the way he wanted. It was the worst. When his dad said the local peewee team was looking for a temporary coach Jack thought he might cry of relief. 

He loved working with the kids. He loved getting on the ice with a purpose, even if it wasn’t a competitive one. He didn’t feel like an invalid anymore, for the first time in weeks. The kids didn’t know about the overdose and their parents either didn’t know or didn’t care. He was just a “nice young man” and “such an excellent teacher.” He felt like a human, not a piece of meat to be torn apart by reporters, and not a child toted around by his parents. It was great to feel like he belonged to himself again. 

It was with this new feeling of freedom that Jack sat down at his kitchen table, laptop in hand determined to cook himself dinner. His parents were both out, and Jack refused to order take out or make mac-n-cheese or some equally depressing meal. He was an adult. He had a well stocked kitchen. He could do this. 

An hour later, Jack had come to the realization that he did not know how to cook. There was burnt chicken in the trash and he had managed to make a mess of the kitchen. He thought he had followed the recipe properly but apparently he had not. He googled “what to do when you can’t follow a recipe” and was met with advice from people telling him to look up video walkthroughs. That was how he ended up on Youtube. He searched for a bit before deciding on a video from an account called Check Please! It declared itself as simple and healthy, so Jack had high hopes. 

A small, blonde, enthusiastic Southern boy introduced himself to the camera as Eric, before telling Jack everything he would need and how to lay it out. Jack found all the right ingredients and set them out warily. The guy was young, just a kid really, though when he checked the channel’s description it declared him to be fifteen, and from Madison Georgia. Jack was hesitant, but Eric looked like he knew what he was talking about so Jack let the video play and followed along. Eric explained things in a way that made sense and was easy to follow. He was bright and enthusiastic through the whole video. Jack found that he actually really enjoyed watching the video and cooking along. His dinner, even though it was late, was really delicious. Jack felt triumphant even if he hadn’t done it entirely without guidance he had made a really good dinner. Eric had mentioned he loved to get comments letting him know how things had turned out and what they thought of the video. Jack figured he deserved a thank you. So he went through the steps set up a Youtube account, which was more frustrating than it should have been, and finally clicked into the comment section.

‘Hey, I’m pretty sure this was the first meal I’ve cooked by myself that actually tasted good. It turned out really well. I hope you have more healthy recipe videos because I need all the help I can get. Thank you, and keep up the good work’ He typed out. The comment appeared under his newly picked username JZ#1. Then feeling rather pleased with himself he clicked on the link Eric had provided at the end of his video to one of him making healthy “Cookies.” (Jack wasn’t sure why Eric had put it in quotes, they looked like cookies to him).

The cookies turned out just as well as dinner had and Jack left Eric a comment to tell him so. When his parents got home they both looked at astonished at the fact that he had actually cooked and baked. Jack felt proud. He subscribed to Eric’s channel, resolving to continue cooking.


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bitty interacting with his new follower

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry these chapters are short, and don't come crazy frequently, college is hell. I'm trying guys but I have to pass my GD classes. In an ideal world the chapters would be short and would come like every other day but I'm not writing that fast. Oh well.

Eric laughed when he sees the comments from someone with the username JZ#1, and replied to say that he was glad that everything went well and mentioned that he loved the username. JZ seemed confused by that, but his username appeared on several of Eric’s videos. None of the personal ones yet, but nearly every healthy recipe option that he had posted. After that he turned up on Eric’s blog. He always wrote in stiff sentences, never used punctuation besides periods, but looking carefully Eric realized that there was a sense of humor hidden somewhere in there. It came out when the comment appeared on his southern fried chicken and mashed potatoes video, stating the it was a delicious meal but might have had enough butter to kill a small village. Eric couldn’t help laughing. Still, he appreciated his followers. He loved everyone who left him positive feedback, and always took note of those who commented frequently, so he spent that weekend researching more healthy recipes that would still taste good. 

Which was why his mother found him in their kitchen with three bowls of similar batter, and two different batches of muffins on the counter, griping. He was trying to make a healthy apple nut muffin. The base recipe had yielded something far too dense and not quite sweet enough. He was trying to find a good way to sweeten the muffin without using sugar, that didn’t make it even more heavy. It was proving difficult. 

“What’re you up to?” She asked.

“Making a healthier apple walnut muffin.” Eric said, setting the bowl in his hand down and returning to his cutting board to chop more walnuts. “Do you know how difficult it is to make something decent without butter?” He demanded. 

“Honey, just put butter in it. I’ve never known you to avoid a little indulgence.” She laughed. 

“Nope, has to be healthy, apparently I make things with enough butter to kill people, so I’m trying to make healthier things.” Eric insisted. 

“Oh, is this for that blog thing of yours?” His Mama asked. He sighed. 

“Vlog, Mama, video blog, and yes.” He told her. “I’ve got a follower who’s a bit of a health nut and I want to help him out.” He said firmly. “Poor boy has no clue how to feed himself.” 

“You’re such a good boy, helping everyone learn to cook, and bake. You do so much for them when they don’t do anything for you.” She said shaking her head. Eric just shook his head. 

“They do plenty.” He murmured, offering no explanation. He knew his mama wouldn’t understand, and he didn’t want her too. Her understanding that his followers helped him fight his demons would mean her knowing the demons were there in the first place, and that was still the last thing he wanted. He didn’t know why it was so easy to tell hundreds of random strangers about the way he had had a panic attack at school last week, but the thought of telling his mother makes him want to vomit. Maybe it was because when he told Youtube about it he told it like a normal story that easily transitioned into a rant about the American public school system. He had been in a bathroom stall and the door had stuck a little, because public school bathrooms were horribly maintained, and it didn’t matter that he could have easily gotten out even if the door was stuck forever, it made him panic. His followers told him they were sorry, that they knew how it was. They commiserated with him about this awful funding that public schools got. No one treated him like he was broken. He didn’t know if he would be able to say the same thing of his mother.

“Well, don’t you overwork yourself.” She told him, kissing him on the cheek and stealing one of his muffins. She tried it, and frowned a little. 

“I think the apples should be smaller, and you can always play around with a combination of honey, maple syrup, and molasses for the sweeteners. They’re not half bad, but I know you’ll make them perfect.” She told him. He grinned at her and moved from his walnuts to dicing apples. 

By the end of the day he had found a delicious tasting, well structured balance for the muffins. It was a day early for him to post a video but he was so damn pleased that he didn’t care. He was determined to get JZ his recipe. He laid out the correct ingredients, one last time (it was his seventh batch of muffins for the day) and started recording.

“Hey y’all! I know I’m early but I had a special request for healthy recipes from JZ number one, who apparently has a vendetta against butter. Sweetheart, I’m not sure what you’re doing here if you don’t love butter, but since you’re willing to give my style a shot I’ll take one for the team and try yours.” He introed, laughing. 

“Today I’m going to teach y’all to make healthy, whole wheat, butter free, apple walnut muffins, and despite all those modifiers, they’re actually just absolute heaven.” He added. “So we start by…” He slipped into teaching mode easily narrating what and how to do. He really enjoyed this. Sometimes he wondered what it would be like if he had actual people around to teach. He finished and edited the video quickly and sent it out into the world. It was nearly dinner time and Eric had been baking since early that morning. He flopped into his bed, exhausted but feeling distinctively accomplished. 

The next morning he was greeted by an enthusiastically positive comment from JZ#1 who had made muffins for breakfast and absolutely loved them. He seemed bowled over that Eric had put in the time and effort to make a video just for him. Eric glowed with the warmth of knowing that a stupid health nut out there was enjoying delicious warm muffins and feeling special because of him. He replied to the comment telling JZ that he was happy to do it and that he’d be sure to include more healthy recipes in the future.


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jack decides to go to school

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Another short chapter for y'all!

Jack was astonished to see that Eric had found a recipe and made a video just for him. He felt a little guilty about chirping Eric a bit in his comment before, but he didn’t seem to mind. 

At the end of every recipe video Eric reminded his viewers that they could always watch his more personal vlog videos at his channel, or visit his blog to find a collection of printed recipes and other posts and talk to him more privately. Jack hadn’t done any of these things as of yet, but sitting in his room eating a warm apple muffin he felt himself unbearably curious about this kid. This guy who poured endless time and effort into putting these videos out for the world, and people like Jack who couldn’t cook worth a damn. So he clicked over to Eric’s channel and found the first video where he was answering questions. He clicked on it out of curiosity. 

Jack ended up watching every video. In the process he realized that he had a lot more in common with Eric than he had thought. Despite the sunny exterior Eric had a lot more darkness in his past than Jack had expected. Jack saw himself in the way Eric talked around an event in his past, something that had hurt him and traumatized him. He didn’t talk about it directly, in the way Jack never talked about the overdose. Jack wished he could know what it was, wished he could go back in time and stop the world from hurting this kid. Eric was a good kid, a good guy who just wanted to make the world a brighter place by feeding it. Eric was young, alone, and traumatized but instead of lashing out he was just kind. Jack pulled up Eric’s blog and spent some time trying to figure out how to send him a message. 

‘I wanted to say thank you again for sending out healthy recipes for me. I really appreciate it, and I just wanted to say that you’re doing a lot of good with this stuff. Making these videos, teaching people like me to feed ourselves, you’re a force of good in this world, we need more people like you.’ He typed the message but hesitated to send it. He couldn’t help worrying that it’s weird. So he closed his laptop on it, and let himself think. 

The next day Jack ate leftover muffins for breakfast. As he ate he realized that Eric Bittle was alone. He never said it in words. He clearly loved his family, and would never say that he had no support system, but he was still obviously isolated. Offhanded comments about his father spending more time with football players, or the fact that he called his dad Coach, made it clear that Eric didn’t have support from his family for the things he was struggling with. Jack couldn’t imagine how much worse things could have been for him when he was younger if his parents hadn’t been there. If they hadn’t known about his anxiety and done everything they could to help him through it. He couldn’t imagine how awful it would have been to be even more alone. Eric was alone, or he felt like he was, and that was something Jack couldn’t just let be. So he sent his message and prayed that Eric would know that he wasn’t really alone, not as long as he had his viewers. 

Later that day he got a response. ‘Oh my god!! Thank you!! It means so much to hear that I’m making a difference for people!!!’ Jack observed the amount of exclamation points bemusedly. This kid was just something else. 

After that things fell into a kind of routine. Eric would put out healthier recipes every now and then, and Jack tried every single one. In return he also tried some of Eric’s less healthy recipes and he reviewed everything he made. Well, more he dropped into Eric’s comments and told him how delicious everything was, because every single recipe turned out well. Jack was convinced that Eric was breaking some sort of laws of nature by managing this but he wasn’t about to complain. Neither were his parents, who seemed inordinately proud of Jack for being able to take care of himself. 

Jack was taking care of himself. He got up every morning and went for a run. He coached the peewee team. He made himself food. He went to therapy. And in his free time he read. He couldn’t remember the last time he had actually been able to sit down and read. He had forgotten somewhere along the line how much he loved it. He spent ages in the library by his parent’s house reading history books. Jack had always preferred nonfiction. He thought it was more interesting to read stories of things that actually happened instead of hypothetical ones. It gave better insight into humanity. Besides, there was just so much history out there. Still Jack was restless. He knew he couldn’t just live with his parents forever, reading book. The most human interaction he had with people who weren’t his parents was talking to a guy he didn’t know online, and asking librarians for a new book. He needed to figure out the next step. He wasn’t ready to give up on hockey. 

“I think I should go to college.” He told his parents one day over dinner. (Which was very nicely cooked salmon with brown rice, and roasted vegetables, that Jack had made). 

“Really?” His mom asked, looking excited. 

“Yeah, I’ve been thinking about it, and I can’t just stay here forever. I’ve got to find something to do with my life. I’m not ready to give up on hockey but I can’t just go back to where I was. I need to approach things from a new direction. Plenty of guys get recruited from the NCAA.” He answered. Both of his parents looked concerned. 

“That’s true…” Bob agreed hesitantly. “But Jack, not everything is about hockey. I know I may have made you think-”

“No.” Jack interrupted. “I’m saying this wrong. It’s not all about hockey. It isn’t. I want to go to college because I want to learn. I want to study history, and know more than I can just read out of a book. I want to be doing things, around people my age, or close anyway. But I also want to play hockey, and it’s not just because it’s what I’m good at, or because it’s the only thing I know. It’s because I really love hockey, it is what I want to do with my life, or at least part of my life, and I’m going to pursue it in anyway I can.” He told them. 

“I think that’s a great idea honey.” His mom said. “I’m so proud of you.” 

“I haven’t gotten in anywhere yet.” Jack pointed out. 

“You will, kid. You’re smart, and talented. It’s a no brainer.” His dad told him. Jack grinned, feeling like he was starting to find the right path at long last.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm actually moving right along in this fic, more than I expected but y'all have been so kind and supportive that I've been really inspired in spite of school. Actually this fic has been a wonderful escape lately! Hope everyone is still enjoying it!


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A short chapter in which Bitty helps one of his loyal followers survive college food

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey folks, I have another little short chapter for y'all!

It was early in his sophomore year of high school when Eric checked his notifications one evening to find a desperate plea from one of his favorite followers. He was glad to see JZ#1 turn up on his blog. He hadn’t heard from him in a couple weeks, and Eric was starting to worry that he was starving somewhere.

‘So I’m at college these days, and I swear I got so spoiled at home with your recipes. Unfortunately, I now only have the contents of a dorm room mini-fridge, a microwave and occasional access to a mostly broken down kitchen. I need help. I know you’re still in high school, but at this point you are my only hope to not eat cafeteria food or ramen. Please.’ 

Eric laughed so hard that his eyes filled with tears. He couldn’t help imagining his poor awkward follower (who was so disconnected from the world that he didn’t know who Jay Z was) staring at a mini-fridge in despair. 

‘Oh, you poor darling! Tell me what you’ve got in your fridge and we’ll figure out how to make something edible with it.’ He sent back. They talked their way to JZ actually eating a decent meal. 

‘So college, huh?’ Eric asked after a while.

‘Yup, It’s a whole new world.’ JZ answered. 

‘Yeah, can’t imagine.’ Eric confessed. ‘Guess I’m gonna have to sooner or later though.’

‘You’ll do fine, you’re a bright kid.’ 

‘Kid? Don’t remember you being demeaning when you were begging me for help earlier lol’ Eric told him, sure to include the laugh so he would know it was a joke. 

‘Fair enough.’ JZ conceded. ‘You saved my ass, you have my respect.’

‘That’s better! Seriously though, good luck in school. Maybe I’ll look into college friendly recipes sometime.’ 

‘Thank you. I would say that you don’t have to, but you always go above and beyond and I really do appreciate it.’ 

Eric grinned down at his screen. He was always glad to brighten people’s days. JZ has been a really supportive follower ever since he had first turned up. These days Eric had a lot of followers, more than he could keep up with sometimes, but not many talked to him consistently and he remembered those who did. Eric adored his followers, and his vlog. It was sort of his whole life. He tried to pretend that it wasn’t the most important part of his day, but it was. 

Eric continued on through high school by playing hockey, researching new recipes for his vlog, and spilling all of his thoughts and feelings to a camera for the internet to watch. He chatted with his followers every now and then. They were always so wonderfully supportive. Which is why, when he hit his senior year of high school, he sat down with his camera and a list. 

“Hey y’all!” He said brightly. “So I’ve gotta decide where to go to college in the next few months. It’s not an easy thing to decide. I know my Mama and Coach want me to go to the University of Georgia. It’s close to home and it’s an in state school. But I’m just… I don’t know if I can stay in the south for another four years. Don’t get me wrong I love it here in a lotta ways, but it’s hard for folks like me. I’m little, I bake, y’all know how southern people treat guys like me. I just, I guess I feel like it would be amazing to go somewhere it doesn’t matter, you know? But out of state university tuition is really pricey and I don’t know if my folks and I can afford that? I mean maybe I can get scholarships? Maybe it would be worth it? I don’t know. What’s more is UGA is huge and I feel like I’d be happier at a smaller school. I’m not sure. 

“You see the thing is, the high level education system in this country is completely fucked up. Let me break it down for you….” 

There were a ton of responses to his video on college. Of course, everyone told him that only he could really make this decision, it wasn’t up to them or his parents to make a decision for him. However, they offered a lot of advice as well. There were a surprising amount of college students who followed him and were happy to offer advice. They told him that if he went to a bigger college it was always possible to make it feel small by finding his own community in it. They told him that while college was important scholarships were the lifeblood that kept you alive if you could get them. They talked about how it was sometimes hard to live close to your family. College was a time when you really found your independence and figured out who you were, and when you lived with your parents or very close to them it was hard to really branch out. However, it was also hard sometimes living really far away from home. Eric read through all of their comments and replied gratefully to all of them. 

Of course, in the end it was his decision, and as he headed off to Samwell University for his first year of college he hoped he had made the right choice. He hadn’t told his followers what he had chosen in the end, he wanted it to be a surprise. He had gotten a lot of messages over the past few weeks pestering him about it and it just made him more excited to get to Samwell.


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jack watches Bitty's first video at Samwell... he's not taking this particularly well.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey folks! Thanks for all of the comments you've been leaving on this fic you're are all so fucking fantastic! I love each and every one of you and I'm so glad you've been enjoying this fic.
> 
> Hope you like this chapter!

Jack loved Samwell. It was just an incredible place to live, study and play hockey. The team was really so wonderful to play with. Shitty was the best friend he had ever had. Lardo was one of the coolest people Jack had ever met. Ransom and Holster were a powerhouse on the ice and wonderful people to be around. He had a safe place in the Haus. He was Captain of the team. He had a kitchen to cook meals for himself in. Jack felt safe, stable, and in control of his life. He was in a good place. He was always nervous about new frogs coming in though. It always changed things when new people were introduced into the team dynamic. He never knew what to expect from a new batch of frogs. 

The day before he had to go meet the new frogs Jack was stressed, so he pulled out his laptop. He had intended to pull up one of his favorite recipes from Eric’s channel, maybe bake something to greet the new teammates. He was surprised to see that Eric had posted a personal video only an hour before. It wasn’t the normal day for his posting. Jack was curious to see what his favorite online friend was up to. He had been watching Eric’s videos for the past three years. He had seen as Eric matured his way through high school, and he was...attached to him. If pressed Jack would admit that the handsome, charming southern boy had become his celebrity crush in the past few months. Jack knew he wasn’t alone in his crush. He had seen the comments. 

Jack clicked on the video, wondering if Eric was planning on finally telling them where he had decided to go to school. He hoped that he had decided to go out of state. It just seemed like he was very unhappy in Georgia. Still nothing prepared Jack for seeing Eric sitting in a dorm room and announcing.

“Hellooo Internet land! Some of my more adept followers may have noticed a change in location, and have noticed correctly because-- I’m in my freshman dorm at Samwell!” 

Jack stopped the video staring in disbelief. Eric had just said Samwell. He was wearing a Samwell University shirt. He was… Crisse he was here. Jack had not been expecting that. It took him a moment to process that Eric Bittle was actually at the same school as him, then he remembered. Eric had said he got a hockey scholarship… hockey. Oh hell, Eric was one of the frogs. He was going to be on Jack’s team. Jack unpaused the video with a sense of dread and watched as Eric spoke enthusiastically about the school, and how he was at Samwell early for hockey. Jack was astonished to see the pie that Eric had somehow managed to make in the student kitchens. Jack had used the ovens in the student kitchen before. They sucked. He couldn’t imagine how Eric had managed to get a decent pie out of them, but then again he figured he should know by now that Eric was capable of creating pie from nothing.

Jack flopped onto his bed and buried his face into his pillow. It was going to be a very long season. It wasn’t like he had a problem with Eric playing… it was just. Eric was supposed to be a mostly hypothetical person who lived a long way away that Jack had a tiny internet crush on, a guy that Jack could chirp, and even sort of flirt with online. He wasn’t supposed to be a real guy who was going to be playing on Jack’s team. There was no way Jack could tell Eric that he watched all his videos. There was no way Eric would want his teammates to know all of the things he told the internet. It would feel like an invasion of privacy… even though they were technically out there for anyone to find. It would still be weird to just walk up to a new frog and say “I’ve watched every video you post on the internet for the past three years, and I’m a really big fan.” That would be weird, and awkward, and really embarrassing. Nope. That wasn’t happening. Jack had to play it cool. There was no reason Eric should know that Jack knew who he was.

Seeing Eric in person the next day was a sort of surreal experience. Bitty. Jack remembered. Eric was Bitty, or Bittle now. He was a real person, not just a youtuber. That was important. It was weird seeing him in real life. He was so short. Jack knew that but it was different when he was actually looking down at him. It didn’t change the fact that his smile was bright and he was handsome. The problem was that Eric was as a matter of fact a hell of a lot more attractive in person than he was on screen. Jack had never really understood describing people as radiant before, but Eric practically glowed as he grinned and greeted all of the guys on the team. 

Jack very carefully did not interact with Bitty during that first team meeting. He nearly went to say hello, welcome him to the team. Except when he took a step towards Eric (who had his back turned to Jack) Jack could smell Eric he smelled like cinnamon and sugar and Jack nearly fucking died on the spot. Jack immediately retreated to a corner with Shitty. He did not speak to Bitty. He did not get close to Bitty again. 

Jack did, however, steal a piece of pie before the guys could destroy it. He knew that Shitty had noticed, he had seen his friend side eyeing him, since Jack almost never ate sweets, but Jack was not about to pass up an opportunity to try one of Bittle’s pies. It was heavenly. Jack had made pecan pie with Eric’s recipe before and he thought that it had turned out really well but this was different, it was perfect. He did mutter a thank you to Bittle as they all left but he doubted that Eric had heard him. That was fine. It was good. Jack decided that he wasn’t going to let himself talk to Bittle until he could trust himself not to swoon. He was Jack Zimmermann, he was a tough hockey player, and he was not going to swoon over some southern boy like a thirteen year old boy with a crush. 

That night Jack saw the brief addition that Bittle had posted to his channel. He felt bad seeing how much the team had shaken Eric. They were a boisterous and they were very much jocks. Of course Bittle was scared. The only experiences he had with jocks was being bullied by them and he had just been mobbed by a bunch of hockey bros who were all roughly half a foot taller than him. Jack wondered how Bittle was even going to play hockey if he was so afraid. Jack was worried. He just couldn’t tell if it was because of Bittle or about Bittle.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry there's not a proper interaction in this chapter, the problem is they don't interact properly for a while because Jack is a Failure. Hope Y'all still enjoyed it though!


	8. Chapter 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bitty's first impressions of Samwell. He talks to his followers for help. Jack does his best to help Bitty!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> IT'S MY BIRTHDAY! But you guys get the presents! This chapter is extra long, there is a pov switch in the middle!
> 
> These two boys are so awkward with each other. I might not update you for a couple days because I'm going to Spain but I should have wifi once I get there so you won't even have time to miss me!

College hockey was a whole different universe for Eric. He was trying so hard, and he really wasn’t that bad. Bitty knew he was good at Hockey. He was a fast skater, he handled the puck really well, he had great awareness of where everyone was on the ice around him. He just couldn’t handle a check for the life of him. He had convinced himself that it was fine. He had talked himself into this, telling himself that he hadn’t fainted in ages, that he had gotten past it. After all, he only had nightmares every once and a while, not nearly every night like he used to. He didn’t feel as helpless anymore. He didn’t have as many panic attacks as he used to, and he got over them faster. He had convinced himself that this meant he was better, that he could handle playing hockey. He loved hockey after all. 

He was so wrong. He was not ready for everything that college hockey entailed. 

Checking was the worst thing in the entire world. Every single time someone came at him on ice, huge and infinitely stronger than Bitty, he just saw the boy who had thrown the first punch that day. He saw the face of endless bullies who had shoved him around. And he crumpled. It made everything else worse too. He was feeling more on edge, more tense and panicky than he had been in years. It made him wonder if he should even stay on the team. He confessed this to his ever supportive followers. 

“I’ll admit it, I’ve been thinking about quitting.” He said, feeling ashamed. “I’m just not sure if I can do this y’all. I mean Coach Hall is a peach compared to my old figure skating coach, and the guys are… fine I guess? I told y’all about them. Jack continues to be an ass, he ignores me almost all the time except to glare at me when I mess up. I think the most he’s said to me is today when he told me that I shouldn’t play if I couldn’t handle it.” Bitty sniffed. “Which is just what I needed, to get chewed out by the famous captain of the team in front of everyone.” He shook his head, stopping himself from tearing up. 

“Sorry, I’m okay really. I’m just not sure what I should do. I love hockey but I just can’t handle checks. I freeze up, panic, or even faint, and it’s just… hard you know? I don’t know what I can do about it. I’m just so tired, I want to rest, to not be terrified, but Samwell is so expensive without scholarships.” He sighed. “I don’t know… but y’all don’t want to hear me whine right now, so let me tell you about college itself, not hockey….” 

Bitty really loved Samwell. He was so glad to be there. He didn’t even want to think about leaving, but without his hockey scholarship he didn’t know. He sighed. He was surprised when later that night he checked his notifications to see a message from JZ#1. He hadn’t heard from him since he came to Samwell, which wouldn’t be odd for other followers, but Bitty had posted videos, even a healthy college cooking video, since he had gotten here. JZ always left comments when he watched videos and he always watched the videos. 

‘I’m sorry you’re having a rough time, and I’m sorry your Captain’s being a dick. Maybe he’s just worried about you? Even if everyone’s being difficult, I think you should stick with it, from what you’ve said you’re a good hockey player and you like Samwell. It’ll get better, I’m sure. You’re stronger than letting a bunch of hockey idiots make you quit.’

Bitty read the comment several times, smiling to himself. Of course, JZ would come through with some wisdom and encouragement. He doubted that Jack was really just concerned about him but it was a nice sentiment. It meant a lot that a guy who had seen all his videos whining about his life and talking about his problems over the past three years, and still thought he was stronger than this. 

‘Thank you so much, you’re such a sweetheart, as always! You’re right, I can get through this, I’ve just gotta figure out how.’ Bitty replied. 

He was determined to be stronger than this. He could do it. He might be small and a little bit damaged, but he would be damned if anyone could ever call him weak. Eric Bittle knew one thing, he was going to survive life. He was going to succeed no matter what, if only out of a purely vindictive anger that drove him to live and succeed just in order to spite everything that had fought against him. 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“Listen guys, try not to be too physical with Bittle, okay?” Jack told the guys the day after he watched Bitty’s most recent video. Jack didn’t want Bitty to quit. Not because of this. “The guy clearly has a problem with physicality. We’ll find a way to work past it or around it on the ice, but there’s no reason for him to be scared of our team off the ice.” 

Jack is determined to do something to help Bitty. He just hasn’t quite figured out how yet. Which was why he was starting with getting the guys to back down a little. 

“Of course. I worry about him. You know he told us he got locked in a closet by the football team when he was younger?” Shitty said, looking angry. “Fucked up shit man. Poor guy. I don’t want him to be afraid of us.” 

“I know. He’s clearly had some bad experiences. I don’t want our team to be one of them.” Jack told the guys. They all nodded and agreed. That done, Jack was faced with what he was supposed to do next. He wasn’t sure how to address this with Bitty. 

That was how he ended up knocking on Bitty’s door, at an hour even he didn’t want to be up at on a Saturday morning. Bitty opened the door looking like he would happily take a kitchen knife to Jack’s face. 

“Come on, Bittle. We’re going to Faber.” He said. Bitty stared at him, stunned and tired. Jack sighed. “Bittle just do it.” Jack pleaded. Bitty shut the door. Jack stood outside awkwardly, trying not to think about how cute Bitty looked when he was all ruffled and sleepy. He wasn’t sure if Eric was coming back, or if he had just gone back to sleep. Just when he was sure that Bittle had just fallen back into bed, the door opened again and Bitty joined him. Neither of them spoke until they were on the ice at Faber. 

“Listen Bittle, you’ve got a problem with checking.” Jack said. “And we’ve got to figure out how to get you past it, because you are a good hockey player. I want you to be able to play, but I don’t want it to be bad for you, and right now it seems like it’s bad for you. I know what anxiety and panic attacks look and feel like and they’re not something anyone should have to deal with every day.” 

“I don’t know what you’re talking about.” Bitty attempted. Jack sighed. 

“Bittle, it’s nothing to be ashamed of. We can’t control our reactions to certain things. I’m just trying to help.” He told Bitty. “I’m just trying to figure out how to help you.” 

“I- it’s just that I’ve had some bad experiences in the past, you know?” Bitty asked, looking small. Jack nodded, setting a gentle hand on his shoulder. 

“It’s okay.” He said. “I just want to know how you think we might address it?” He asked. 

“I don’t know, if I did I wouldn’t be having this problem!” Bitty protested. “Clearly you have some ideas, you brought us here.” 

“I don’t know if it’s right, and I don’t want to do anything that’s going to make you uncomfortable, but I thought… I thought maybe some of the problem is the surprise factor, that you don’t see it coming. I guess I was wondering if learning to get used to checking in a controlled environment where you know you’re safe, could help?” Jack suggested, feeling stupid. Bitty frowned thoughtfully. 

“So you’re saying you just want to what?... Practice checking with me until I’m used to it?” He asked. 

“If you think it will help and won’t have a negative impact on you and your mental health. I mean, I know exposure therapy is a thing. I’m not in anyway a professional, and in the end I really do recommend talking things out with a proper therapist if there’s something deeper going on here… but for the time being, I thought it might help.” Jack said hurriedly. 

“It might help actually.” Bitty admitted after a long moment. 

“Okay, cool. I just want you to know that no matter what you’re safe. I’m not going to hurt you.” Jack promised.

“Thanks, Jack. I really appreciate you helping.” Bitty told him. And he looked legitimately surprised. 

“It’s my job. I’m just worried about you, and I want you to be able to play your best.” Jack answered, but he was blushing. He shook his head. “Now square up, I’m going to come at you slow, okay?” 

“Okay.” Bitty agreed. 

That first day was still hard. Bitty still ended up curled up on the ice a couple of times. Every time Jack would crouch by Bitty and do what he could to make sure he was alright, then help him up. Every time he asked Bitty if he wanted to go again, and he had to give it to the guy, he was persistent. He wasn’t about to give up for anything. Eventually Jack called it a day, the youth tournament would start soon enough and Bitty was shaking. 

“We’re done for the day.” Jack told him. “You get back to your dorm and take an easy day. Take care of yourself, Bittle.” 

“I’m just fine, Mr. Zimmermann.” Bitty told him, standing up straight. 

“I know you are.” Jack chuckled. “But you’ve been working hard, and you deserve a day off.” He added. 

“Well, then so do you.” Bitty told him. 

“I just might do that.” Jack agreed. “Text me if you’re gonna come over to the Haus to bake.” He added before heading off the ice. 

“Why?” Bitty asked. 

“You aren’t the only one on this team who can enjoy cooking Bittle.” Jack told him, and he was dancing on the edge of things that Bitty was never supposed to know so he turned away again, going into the locker room to take off his skates.


	9. Chapter 9

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bitty is getting used to this whole hockey thing

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey this is a short chapter, just wanted to update and say sorry for the longer break between chapters, I was in Barcelona and my laptop was acting up so I was scared to pull it out to update. It's all good now though!

“Jack Zimmermann works harder than god.” Bitty grumbled to his camera. He complained because he was exhausted and sore, but his chest felt warm. Jack was trying to help him. Jack actually believed in him as a hockey player. He had been shockingly kind and understanding. 

Of course, it still sucked to get woken up ridiculously early regularly. Still Bitty couldn’t hate Jack for dragging him out to Faber. Because every time Jack brought him out for checking practice he was unfailingly kind. Bitty was getting used to the team too. They were huge and over the top but they had stopped coming at him with as much energy. They treated him well. Even when he went down on the ice during practice. 

When he got an assist during the first game Bitty was happier than he could remember being in ages. It reminded him why he loved hockey. He felt so strong and powerful when he got past being scared for long enough to do something fantastic. And when the whole team rushed into their group hug celly Bitty didn’t flinch. Instead he felt happy and comfortable surrounded by people who didn’t look in the slightest like his old bullies. They were his friends. They were his teammates. He loved this. He loved hockey.

“Itty Bitty! That was incredible!” Shitty said throwing an arm around Bitty at the kegster after the game. Bitty still flinched a little but relaxed quickly. He trusted Shitty. He trusted all of them, enough that he had let Ransom and Holster lift him up to do a kegstand. 

“Thanks, Shitty.” He said with a grin. “I just finally feel like I’m doing well.”

“Bits, you are damn good at hockey!” Shitty said. “And you’re basically a baking god. I mean, I thought I got used to pretty decent food with Jack cooking every now and then but everything he does is so healthy.” He added rolling his eyes. 

“Does Jack cook frequently?” Bitty asked curiously. 

“He’ll make something maybe once a week or so.” Shitty said.

“Huh, he told me he cooked occasionally but I guess I thought he’d bake with me more if it was something he really enjoyed.” He said in surprise. 

“I think it’s more of an independence thing than anything. He told me that when he got out of juniors he felt a little helpless, so being able to cook was like a “fuck you” type of thing.” Shitty explained. 

“Really?” Bitty asked. “That’s great, I’ve seen a lot of that over the years you know? So many people don’t know how to feed themselves. It’s such a shame.” He said shaking his head. 

“You teach, Bits?” Shitty asked.

“No, not really. I’ve just encountered a lot of people like that.” Bitty said quickly, blushing. He couldn’t tell the team about his vlog. If they saw his videos he would die. He would die of embarrassment instantly. It wasn’t like he was ashamed of them, he was proud. He loved his videos, he was proud to have been able to help people like JZ, and others. However, there were also a lot of really personal things on his vlog and he didn’t need the team thinking he was a total disaster.

“Yeah, there’s a lot of us.” Shitty laughed. Bitty just laughed and made his way over to get another drink. He definitely needed more alcohol right now. It was a day to celebrate.


	10. Chapter 10

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jack watching Bitty's videos, feeling guilty, coming to terms with his feelings, complaining about said feelings to Shitty

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello! I'm posting a chapter because I have a lot written and betaed that is not posted yet! Also because I have a paper due in a couple hours and I'm not writing it... but this counts as being productive right? Sort of? Maybe?

Jack grinned as he watched Bitty’s video after the assist. He felt like he was probably an asshole for still watching the videos. It was probably an invasion of privacy, but he couldn’t help it. He knew Eric expected his comments. They were friends in their own way. They often chatted via Bitty’s blog after Jack commented on Eric’s videos. It was a part of Jack’s week that he looked forward to, and he wasn’t ready to give it up. 

‘Congrats on the assist, sounds like you’re doing great.’ Jack sent the message to Bitty directly instead of commenting on the video.

‘Thanks! I really am doing better lately. The guys have been really cool lately, and Jack has been helping a lot. I feel really hopeful! How have you been? I haven’t heard from you much lately.’

‘I’m so glad it’s going better. I’m doing pretty well, keeping on. I’ve been busy, sorry I haven’t stopped by to chat.’ Jack answered. 

‘Nonsense! It’s great that you bother to talk to little old me at all.’

‘I meant to ask, have you got any good peanut butter recipes? We’ve got way too much peanut butter around.’ Jack sent the message before he had time to think about the fact that Bitty probably knew that the Haus was overflowing with peanut butter. Holster, Ransom, and Jack had all accidentally bought giant things of peanut butter individually and now they had way too much. He hoped that Bitty wouldn’t put the pieces together.

‘As it happens I was just looking for some peanut butter recipes. My stupid teammates bought an absurd amount of peanut butter and I need to find a way to use some of it up.’ Bitty answered. ‘I’ll probably put out a new video in a couple days with the recipe.’ 

‘Awesome, I look forward to it.’ Jack told him. He might have actually used an exclamation point but at this point it was almost a running joke that he didn’t. 

‘As do I!’ Bitty answered. Jack sighed and closed his laptop. This was so fucking stupid. This was the actual literal worst thing. He was awful. Bitty had no idea who he was. Jack was basically lying to the guy, it wasn’t fair. He knew it wasn’t fair. He should tell Bitty that he had seen the videos at the very least, if not what his username was and that they had talked to each other throughout the years. He couldn’t tell Bitty who he was, that they were sort of internet friends. Because that would be weird. All of this was weird. 

The thing was, this was so much easier when Bitty had no idea who Jack was. It was easy to message him because while Bitty knew that he was a bit hapless and a dork, he didn’t know that he was an anxiety filled hockey robot mess. It had been easy to talk to Bitty anonymously, it had been easy to even, flirt with him, and he had. Neither of them had ever addressed it but they did flirt. It was easy when it was all harmless. It was easy when it was a never-going-to-happen Youtube crush. Except now Bitty was there. Bitty was on his team, with his beautiful smile, his southern charm, the way he basically radiated light, and the way he smelled like cinnamon and caramel all the time. All together it was dizzying. 

Jack had sworn to himself that he wasn’t going to swoon, but just sitting here talking to Bitty online, he felt like swooning. It was a problem. He had hoped that once he got used to Bitty he would get over his crush. The exact opposite had happened. His internet crush had turned into full blown falling head over heels. He had no clue what to do about all of it. He had basically backed himself into a corner. If Bitty found out who he was, that he was the guy who had been talking to him for years, flirting with him for the past several months… Nope. He couldn’t even contemplate that. It was all a mess. 

Every time he interacted with Bitty in real life he ended up being rude because the only other alternative was melting and being super obvious about his crush. He knew that Bitty still thought he hated him, despite the checking practices, which were sort of helping. It was weird, Bitty clearly trusted him because he let Jack check him. He was getting better, but he was still convinced that Jack despised him. Jack wanted to tell him that of course he didn’t. Except every time he thought about it the words “How could I hate you when you’re perfect?” snuck into his head and he shut them down again. Jack buried his face in his pillow and screamed. 

“Jack, you okay?” Shitty asked knocking on the door. Jack rolled his head slightly to the side so his voice was less muffled before answering.

“I’m fine, Shits.” Jack said. He rolled his face back into his pillow as Shitty came into his room. 

“You don’t look particularly fine.” Shitty commented sitting on Jack’s bed. 

“I’m just frustrated.” Jack muttered.

“What kind of frustrated? Because if this is another ‘Historians are bickering and no one knows what really happened moment’ I can’t help you. If it’s frustration of a sexual nature I’m pretty sure I can write you a fucking list of people who would be happy to help you with that. If-”

“Shitty, shut up.” Jack said tiredly. “It’s Bittle okay, I’m frustrated with Bittle.” 

“Why?” Shitty asked. “He’s getting better. I mean, yeah, he still freezes up on occasion but he’s doing okay. I thought you were working with him.”

“I am working with him, and he is getting better. But he thinks I hate him.” Jack muttered. 

“How do you know that?” Shitty asked. Jack groaned into his pillow.

“I just do, he thinks I’m a total ass and that I hate him, and I don’t know how to fix it.” 

“Have you considered… not being an asshole to him?” Shitty asked. “I mean no offense, Jack but you do get a little harsh sometimes.” 

“I- It’s more complicated than that.” Jack muttered. 

“What do you have against him?” Shitty asked. 

“Absolutely nothing. He’s great. I like him. That’s the problem.” Jack answered, looking up at Shitty.

“HOly ShiT! JACk ZiMMERMANN do you have A CRUSH?!” Shitty demanded.

“Oh yes, please shout about it so the whole world can hear.” Jack said sarcastically. 

“Hey, I’m allowed to be excited, my poor little hockey obsessed son has grown up and has a crush on a cute boy!” Shitty said, but he did lower his voice.

“It’s complicated okay, it’s not just… ugh.” Jack flopped back into his pillow.

“You know instead of pulling the whole stupid ‘he picks on you because he likes you’ thing you could always just… actually be nice and flirt with him.” Shitty suggested.

“I can’t.” Jack grumbled.

“Can’t or won’t?” Shitty asked.

“It’s complicated.” Jack growled.

“Don’t see how.” 

Jack refused to answer, so Shitty just flopped across him and they ended up taking a nap. Jack knew Shitty wasn’t going to let this go, but he had graciously let it drop for now.


	11. Chapter 11

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bitty is REALLY oblivious...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Like truly stupid level oblivious guys, please try not to hate me for any of this. You see what you expect to see and Bitty never expected to see his internet friend in Jack Zimmermann or vice versa...
> 
> I have a plan, I have several more chapters written and Betaed I will be posting rapidly. Hang with me here.

Eric was getting better. Jack was helping even if he still seemed a little curt. He hadn’t been actively rude to Bitty in a while, which was good. Usually when Bitty said hello to him he just kind of looked vaguely panicked and nodded at him. It was kind of hard to work out. Eric was starting to wonder if Jack just really hated any and all social interaction THAT much. Eric ran into him in the kitchen as he was setting up for one of his videos. 

“Oh, sorry Jack I thought everyone was out of the Haus.” Eric said brightly. Jack bit his lip and then shook his head. 

“No, I um. I was just- I was just grabbing a snack, I was studying upstairs, in my room… because I live here.” Jack answered awkwardly. Bitty chuckled. 

“I know, sorry.” He said with a smile. “Actually maybe you could help me!” He said happily. He had something special planned for today. Something had seemed off with his favorite follower, JZ seemed sad or something. He wasn’t sure what to do about it, but he did know that JZ was French Canadian. He had found out when he had titled recipes as ‘comfort food’ and JZ had pointed out that southern US comfort food wasn’t everyone’s definition of comfort food. Bitty wanted to cheer JZ up, and he always liked expanding his horizons so he was going to make some classic French Canadian comfort foods. 

“What can I help you with?” Jack asked. 

“I um… well-” Bitty hadn’t thought this through. “Well, I’m taking French you know? And for extra credit I’m making a video recipe of me cooking some French Canadian food. Maybe you can check my recipes and tell me if they make for proper comfort food, and you can taste test for me once I’m done? I don’t really know what it’s all supposed to taste like.” He improvised. Jack stared at him unblinking for such a long moment that Bitty thought he had somehow broken him. 

“I’m sorry, if that’s okay I guess. I mean obviously you don’t have to.” Bitty added hesitantly. Jack finally blinked as if startled out of deep thought. 

“No, of course. I’d love to help.” He answered, voice sounding a little rough. “What’re you making?” 

“These little personal sized Tourtières, and I was going to do a type of miniature sugar pie.” Bitty answered, spinning his laptop so that Jack could see the recipes. He had found some recipes and changed them a little so as to make them personal serving sizes and something you could make with a tinfoil mini-pie tin instead of anything fancy like a ramekin, which not everyone had.

“Wow, that sounds wonderful.” Jack said, as he looked the recipes over. For the first time talking to Bitty there was emotion besides stilted pain in his voice. Eric felt bad, Jack clearly missed home, and the food there. 

“Cool thanks!” Bitty told him with a grin. “You could always help if you don’t mind other people seeing it later.” He offered impulsively. 

“No, no I’d just be in the way.” Jack said hurriedly. “Let me know when you’re finished and I’d be more than happy to taste test.” He added, then he grabbed a protein bar and practically fled from the kitchen. Bitty stared after him with a sigh, wondering what on Earth he had done to the poor boy this time. He shook his head resolving to ask Shitty and the others if Jack was like this with everyone or if he really did have something against Bitty. 

“Hello everyone!” Bitty said to his camera once everything was set up. “This video is dedicated to one of my long time followers and friends JZ#1 who is from Montreal and seems a little down in the dumps lately, so I figured I’d whip up some classic French Canadian comfort food. Today we’re making…” 

He worked on editing the video as first the sweet pies, then the savory baked. Then he went upstairs to find Jack. His door was closed so Bitty just knocked.

“If you want to try my food it’s all ready.” He called through the door. There was a thump like someone falling off of a bed and then Jack appeared at the door blushing. 

“Hi, yes, hello, I’m coming.” He said. Bitty just smiled and shook his head as he lead the way back to the kitchen. He would never understand this boy. 

“Can I record your reactions to tasting them?” Bitty asked Jack hopefully, “Keeping in mind that this will be seen by a whole lotta strangers, I’m gonna put it on Youtube so it’s easy to pull up in class.” A few consecutive looks passed over Jack’s face that Bitty summarized to: surprised, critical, afraid, and then indifferent. 

“Yeah, go ahead, it’s not like people don’t see my face on the internet anyway.” Jack said. When he tried the tourtière he hummed happily and smiled. 

“Tastes like home.” He murmured. “My dad used to make tourtière for me when I was sick.” Bitty dug into his own meat pie and was surprised by how good it tasted. It wasn’t exactly his style of thing but he could appreciate it for what it was. He stopped recording as they finished their meals, a late lunch/almost dinner. 

“Your dad can cook?” Bitty asked, surprised. Jack nodded.

“Pretty well actually. He did most of the cooking in our family when he was home. Maman is a disaster in the kitchen. She always says she supervises.” He answered chuckling. Bitty grinned. He wasn’t sure if he had heard Jack laugh before. It was a nice sound. 

“That’s really cool, the only type of cooking Coach ever did was grilling, and even then he liked things crispy.” Bitty said rolling his eyes. “Well, he said he liked it that way I’m pretty sure he just burnt things accidentally.” 

“Yeah, well, a lot of guys are like that. They’re always relying on other people to take care of them. It’s ridiculous.” Jack agreed. “I was like that for a while… before.”

“You were young that’s different. Most teenagers don’t know how to cook worth a damn.” Eric pointed out.

“Does that make you the exception that proves the rule?” Jack asked. Bitty nodded.

“Yeah I guess so.” He said with a smile. “You want to try a mini sugar pie?” He asked. 

“I shouldn’t.” Jack said looking at it longingly. 

“Come on, Jack, relax.” Bitty said with a smile. “It’s a little taste of home, no one is going to hold it against you.” 

“Fine, fine.” Jack agreed, accepting the tiny pie that Bitty slid towards him. When he took a bite he moaned in a way that was nearly obscene. Bitty tried to hide his blush by looking down to his own pie. 

“It’s perfect.” Jack told Bitty. 

“I’m so glad.” Bitty said. He smiled around his own bite of pie. It was a simple sweet custard pie with a delicate maple flavor that struck a lovely balance. 

“Thank you for this, Bitty.” Jack said, sounding genuinely touched. “Really, it means a lot to me. I mean- I know that it’s for, for class, and everything but still. I needed this.” He added. Bitty couldn’t help smiling and patting Jack’s arm affectionately. 

“You’re so very welcome, Mr. Zimmermann.” He said. “You just tell me if you’re ever feeling homesick and I’ll see what I can whip up. I’m sure it won’t be the same as your dad’s but I’ll do my best.” He offered. 

“Thanks.” Jack said again. He was blushing and smiling, and he looked so damn cute. Bitty knew he shouldn’t go down that road but it was hard when Jack was sitting here being friendly and blushy and adorable instead of dark and mysterious.

“There is one condition though” Bitty added before he could think better of it. 

“Oh? What is that?” Jack asked. 

“Can we be friends now?” Bitty asked, and he knew he probably sounded stupid but he figured it was best to just get it out of the way. “I know you aren’t big on making new friends, and talking to folks, and I’m not saying you’ve gotta talk to me a whole lot, but if you could just not avoid me, that’d be nice.” He said. It was partially a chirp and partially genuine. Jack blushed and looked down.

“Listen, I’m really sorry if I’ve been a jerk.” He muttered. “I’m just… not good with people.” 

“You’re forgiven,” Bitty told him, surprised at how easily the words came, “You’ve helped me a lot with checking and everything. Consider this repayment.” He added.

“Okay, we’ll call it even.” Jack agreed. “And Bittle, we are friends.” He added. 

“I’m glad.” Bitty told him, and he couldn’t help beaming, feeling like this was a very productive video. He had gotten himself on better terms with Jack and hopefully he would cheer up JZ. It was more than he had hoped for.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm kind of sorry for how stupid these boys are being... but mostly I find it hilarious, and I hope you do too!


	12. Chapter 12

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jack being a dork in love and talking to his best friend about it

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello! I figured I'd post another chapter because I love y'all and on AO3 no one cares whether I fail mother fucking ochem or not! Thanks for that guys... I really fucking hate organic chemistry.

Jack was doomed. He was pretty sure that Eric Bittle was the perfect human, at least to him. Sure Eric had his flaws, he had his mental illness problems to work through, he procrastinated, and didn’t study, but Jack didn’t care because Bitty was perfect. He was the embodiment of sunshine even though he hadn’t had an easy life. Bitty had fought to get to where he was, he had fought to be sunshine, joy and warmth all baked into a pie. Some people thought that those who were soft, gentle and kind were weak, but Jack knew better. He knew how much stronger you had to be to suffer and still be kind, still be soft. He himself wasn’t always good at it. Bitty was better, because Bitty was perfect. He was also absurdly beautiful. It wasn’t even fair. Jack still wasn’t one hundred percent sure that Bitty didn’t actually literally glow. 

Now Jack was doomed to actual interaction with Bitty and he still wasn’t sure how he was supposed to do this without making an absolute fool of himself. But it wasn’t like he could say “No, Bittle we can’t be friends, even though you went to all this trouble just to make me happy.” Not of course, that he could acknowledge in person that he knew it was for him, or that JZ was him (he kept waiting for Bitty to guess). He had thanked Bitty online, told him how touched he was that he had noticed something was off and how much it meant that he had gone to the trouble of making comfort food recipes for him. It didn’t feel like enough. Jack was a disaster, but he was far from strong enough to deny himself being friends with Bitty. He wasn’t strong enough to deny himself Bitty sitting next to him on the bus, talking about everything and anything and singing stupid pop songs that Jack didn’t know. Shitty was not being particularly helpful.

“Jack Zimmermann, I swear to all that is holy, you need to just tell the boy how you feel.” Shitty pointed out one night. They were in the hotel room they were sharing on a roadie, and Jack had just laid down with a heavy sigh, which apparently Shitty took as an invitation to talk about Jack’s feelings.

“It’s not that simple.” Jack told him. “And you’re an atheist.” He added.

“Yes I am. I can swear on other people’s holy shit.” Shitty said. “But it doesn’t matter. What matters is you get your head out of your ass, and flirt with the frog!”

“Shitty it’s-”

“If you say complicated one more time without explaining how it is complicated I swear to Feminism and Weed and Righteous Indignation I will end you.” 

“It’s… he’s too young for me.” Jack tried. Shitty shook his head.

“Nice attempt, you made an effort, but that’s not it.” He said. “Bits is nineteen, four to five years, isn’t that bad, and if that was your problem you would have said that instead of ‘it’s complicated’ so try again. This time, go for the truth, it’ll be faster.” Shitty grinned smugly and Jack would hate him if he didn’t love Shitty like a brother. 

“Fine, okay, fine. You know how we got that question about Bitty’s vlog?” Jack asked. 

“Yes, the one where a couple thousand people have seen Bitty talk about me being naked and high all the time.” Shitty agreed. 

“Admittedly, there are several thousand people here at Samwell who have probably seen you naked and high throughout your time here.” Jack said. Shitty laughed. 

“True.” He agreed. “What about Bitty’s vlog that he won’t let any of us watch?” 

“I’ve seen it.” Jack confessed. “All of it, every video he’s ever posted.” 

“What?! How did you find it?! Can I see?!” Shitty demanded. 

“No! You can’t, he talks about a lot of personal stuff that he wouldn’t want to the team to see.” Jack protested. “I didn’t find his vlog after he came here, I found it right after the overdose. He makes recipes to help people learn to cook and eat good food. He also makes videos that are about his life. His vlog is like fifty percent cooking videos and fifty percent diary. He has a community online, we’re his support system.” 

“You’re a part of this?” Shitty asked. 

“I’ve been in contact with him since the beginning, for well over three years now. We talk, online. He doesn’t, he doesn’t know who I am. He knows my username, and that I’m French Canadian. He made a video of French Canadian comfort food for me, because he could tell something was off because I wasn’t talking to him as much. He knew I felt bad. We’re friends Shitty. I mean we’re friends now in real life, but we were friends before we ever even met.” Jack let the words spill out desperately. Shitty just stared at Jack for a long moment. 

“Why on earth were you such a dick to him at first?” He asked weakly after a minute. Jack sighed. 

“I didn’t mean to be an asshole, I was just trying not to make a fool of myself.” Jack sighed. “He was supposed to be someone I talked to on the internet. He was supposed to be an internet crush not a real person on my team.” 

“Oh you had a crush on him before?” Shitty asked. “Wow, okay! Wow okay, I’m still trying to wrap my head around this. Jack has friends on the internet. Jack flirts with random internet strangers. Who then happened to be our teammate. Okay… okay. So yeah… that does make things more complicated.” He agreed. 

“Exactly.” Jack agreed. 

“But if you’re friends online and in real life, and you have a crush on him, and everything else, why does that mean you can’t just tell him and then date him?” Shitty asked. 

“Because he has a lot of personal things on that channel and I didn’t tell him I recognized him at the beginning, and I’ve talked to him online since he’s been here. I mean, Shitty I gave him advice on how to deal with me. If he finds out that I’m that person…” 

“Oh, Jack… Oh, Jack, my poor sad, socially awkward friend… you are just digging yourself deeper and deeper into a hole, aren’t you?” Shitty sighed. Jack nodded glumly. 

“So it would seem.” He agreed. 

“You’re going to need to tell him eventually, Jack. You can’t just keep going on living some kind of weird double friendship with the guy. That’s… that’s just messed up my friend.” 

“I know.” Jack groaned. 

“Jack, he’s a good guy. He obviously likes you as a person. Honesty is the best policy.” Shitty told him. 

“I know, I know. I’m just… What do I say ‘Hey I’m sort of in love with you because you’re perfect, and I was so scared of freaking you out that I lied to you for months?” 

“Oh Jack… no, don’t lead with that. That’s going to end badly.” Shitty told him. 

“Then what do I say?” Jack demanded. 

“I don’t know! That’s your problem, not mine.” Shitty told him laughing. Jack threw a pillow at him and then buried himself under his covers.


	13. Chapter 13

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bitty get's checked hard and it has... a lot of consequences

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys, warning for this chapter being angsty. It is the one in which Bitty gets checked and ends up with a concussion but in this fic he also starts having a flashback because he has ptsd and all that jazz so please don't read it if that's a problem for you! I just want everyone to be safe and happy

Bitty liked being friends with Jack. He found that after you got past his prickly difficult exterior Jack Zimmermann was a giant dork. He got excited about history documentaries. He made horrible dad jokes. Despite being the biggest introvert Bitty had ever met he adored his outgoing friends. He would grumble at Shitty when his best friend crawled into his bed, but Bitty noticed Jack never kicked him out and he always looked distinctively pleased when Shitty decided it was time to cling to Jack like an octopus. Jack still worked harder than god, but Bitty realized that it was only on things that he cared about a lot. He studied like crazy for his history courses, but his sociology notebook had more hockey plays doodled in it than it had notes. It was sort of reassuring to find out that he was human. Even Jack Zimmermann didn’t pay attention in boring gen ed classes. 

The best thing about Jack though (besides his ass, though there could be a debate there), was that Bitty felt safe around Jack. He trusted him. The checking practices got easier as Bitty got more and more familiar with knowing that Jack wasn’t going to hurt him. He had always known it but he actually believed it these days. When Jack skated towards him to push him into the boards Bitty didn’t see the boys who had locked him in the closet. Instead he just saw his friend who would help him skate through it and help him back up with comforting words if Bitty crumpled. It was wonderful. Jack was wonderful. It was starting to be a problem. From what he could tell Jack was straight, he had never talked about anything else anyway. Even if he wasn’t he was Jack Zimmermann. He was famous, and quite frankly looked like a god. Bitty had no chance. He knew better. He knew better than to fall for straight boys, especially straight boys who were out of his league, but damn if it wasn’t hard. 

Bitty tried to content himself with being friends with Jack, with sitting next to him on the bus for roadies. He told Jack about the family jam debate and Jack told him about the latest history documentary he watched and neither of them really cared about what the other was saying but they both listened happy to see their friend enthusiastic. It was good. Everything was good for a while. The team got into the playoffs. Bitty was playing well. Jack was playing phenomenally. Everything was going well, until suddenly it wasn’t. 

When Jack told him to try to take the puck around behind the huge D-man who had checked Holster earlier in the game Bitty wanted to say there was no way in hell. A fear of checking was one thing, but this was just self preservation. He didn’t want to get flattened. Sure he was fast, but it would only take one hit from this guy to take him out. Except they were so close, and Bitty could see the desperation in the eyes of his team. They didn’t want this to be the end. If Jack thought this was the best way… Bitty still wasn’t sure.

“Bittle. I’ve got your back.” Jack promised, smiling a little. Bitty’s hesitance melted. He trusted Jack. If Jack said he could do this then he could do it. 

“O-okay.” He agreed. He couldn’t help the slight tremor in his voice or in his hands as they skated back out but he was determined. 

It nearly worked too. Bitty got around and got the puck to Jack, which was what mattered. Jack would take it and score and they would win the game. They would move forwards in the playoffs, that’s what mattered. Bitty was so distracted by trying to get the puck to Jack and so excited about succeeding that he saw the huge D-man coming towards him a second too late. He couldn’t get out of the way. He was completely helpless and as the boy slammed into him Bitty saw familiar hateful faces, and the dark shadows of a utility closet. He was panicking before he hit the ice. His helmet flew off as his head slammed into the ice, and the pain felt more familiar than it felt shocking. Bitty felt sort of like he had spent so long expecting pain, anxious because he was never sure when it would actually come, that the hurt was nearly a relief, nearly. 

Suddenly people were crowding around him and Bitty curled up tightly, trying to minimize the amount of his body they could reach. He did his best to protect his stomach, chest and head. He knew how badly a kick the gut hurt and he really didn’t need anymore cracked ribs. He knew that he shouldn’t cry, they just saw it as a sign of weakness but he couldn’t help the sobs. He knew what was coming and he couldn’t bear it, he couldn’t take it. There were hands pulling at him, dragging him somewhere, and Bitty didn’t have to ask where. 

“No.” He cried helplessly. “No, please.” His voice was sad and small and drowned out by the chaotic noise.

Bitty was drowning too. Drowning in memories that are so vivid they feel more real than anything that might actually be happening. He had his eyes shut tight, but to him it was just darkness, darkness with no lights no way of knowing that time is passing, no one around to hear him call for help. No one to even care that he’s crying.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Guess who is nearly done with this fic?! I'm writing the last chapter(ish) tonight and I'm just going to post a chapter per day from here on out! (As long as my beta can keep up). 
> 
> There should be 23 chapters total at the end of all this! I know it's really long! I never meant for this to get so long it really really got away from me. I hope Laughingcat doesn't mind!


	14. Chapter 14

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jack doing his best to take care of Bitty

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey folks we're on this train for a little bit but I swear this all ends so happy

Jack fought his way off the ice, trying to get to Bitty. They won but no one cared. The whole team was part of one huge scrum. None of the Samwell boys were about to let these bastards get away with hurting Bitty. Jack ignored the fury in his veins that makes him want to pound the bastard who hurt Bitty into a bloody pulp. There’s no time for that. He saw Bitty on the ice, sobbing and he knows what Bitty is going through right now. He wasn’t crying because he was hurt, he was having a full blown flashback to the utility closet incident. 

Coach Hall, Coach Murray, and the trainer, a woman named Emily Varner all helped Bitty off the ice, half carrying, half dragging him. Bitty was just curled in on himself protectively. Jack finally managed to break free and get off the ice. He wanted to go to Bitty immediately but he detoured to the locker room and grabbed Bitty’s phone from his bag. Bitty mentioned once that it was a sort of anchor for him, an escape and also a means of contact. He hadn’t had a phone when he got locked in the closet, no way of contacting people. Afterwards his parents had gotten him a cellphone and Bitty hadn’t let his phone leave his side since, except for hockey. Phone in hand Jack hurried to the trainer’s room where they’ve put Bitty on the table. Coach Hall pushed past Jack to get back to try to manage the rest of his team. 

“Zimmermann-” He started. 

“I can help Bittle.” Jack told him. He didn’t actually know that he could but he figured he had a better understanding of what was going on than anyone else, and nothing could take him away from Eric’s side right now. Hall just shrugged and waved him back. The trainer’s room was partially dark, lights dimmed. 

“Eric, Eric, calm down.” Emily was pleading. “Honey, what’s wrong? You’ve gotta talk to me.” She was clearly scared. She was trained to deal with sports injuries. She was not a psychologist. She obviously had no clue what was going on.

“Turn the lights on.” Jack told her firmly.

“He probably has a concussion, bright lights are not going to help and we need him to open his eyes.” Emily hissed. 

“He’s having a flashback, he’s panicking. Right now he needs light, and as few people as possible around him.” Jack said, thinking fast. Murray, who was standing by the wall looking worried turned the lights on. 

“You know what’s going on, Zimmermann?” He asked hopefully. 

“I do. I think I can help.” Jack agreed. “I know how to deal with panic attacks anyway.” He added. The coach nodded. 

“I’ll get out of your way, I’ll be right outside.” He said stepping out. 

“Don’t close the door.” Jack instructed. He didn’t know if Bitty was anything close to aware enough to notice but he figured it was better not to have closed doors right now. The trainer’s room was smallish, and Jack did not need to add small enclosed space to the list of things that were going to bother Bitty about this. Jack pulled up a chair next to the table where Bitty was curled up into a sobbing ball. He pressed Bitty’s phone into his hand. Bitty clutched it tightly but Jack wasn’t sure he even realized what it was.

“Bitty, you are having a flashback,” He said in as calm and strong a voice as he could manage, “Bitty, it’s Jack. I’m here. You’re safe Bitty. We’re at Samwell. You are at Samwell. You are at Faber, in the trainer’s room. You are safe. No one is going to hurt you. You are safe, Bitty. Open your eyes. The lights are on, Bitty. You aren’t in the darkness. You aren’t alone. I am here with you Bitty. I won’t let anyone hurt you. Your phone is in your hand.” Jack promised. He used Bitty’s nickname because he wasn’t sure what his old bullies had called him, Eric or Bittle. He spoke calmly and clearly.

“You are safe. Emily and I are sitting here with you. You are just fine. Once you open your eyes and Emily checks you out you can walk out of here whenever you want. You aren’t trapped Bitty. You are at Samwell. You are in Massachusetts. You got hurt in a hockey game. You were playing hockey. You are safe now. No one wants to hurt you, Bitty. We care about you. We care about you so much.” Bitty’s sobs were slightly less horrible. “Can you hear me Bitty?” Jack asked carefully. Bitty nodded hesitantly. 

“Good. Listen Bitty, what do you hear? Think about it. No one is yelling at you, no one is taunting you. If you hear them they aren’t real.” He said. Bitty nodded. “Do you feel the table you are lying on?” Jack asked. “You’re on the trainer’s table. It’s cushioned with pleather. Can you feel your uniform? Can you feel your phone in your hand?” Bitty nodded again a little more confidently, sobs fading. 

“That’s good. That’s very good Bitty. Could you open your eyes?” Jack asked. “You’ve got your eyes closed. It’s very bright in here. The light will probably hurt your eyes and your head.” He warned. Bitty blinked his eyes open, flinching at the light and throwing a hand up to shade his eyes. He looked around, taking in his change in location. Jack stood up so Bitty could see him more easily. 

“Jack?” Bitty asked, voice a hoarse whisper. 

“I’m here, Bitty.” Jack agreed. With very little warning Bitty reached out and threw his arms around Jack, sobbing into his chest. This was different though, his tears weren’t born of panic, they were just sad. Jack sat down on the table next to Bitty, wrapping his arms tight around him he held onto him as Bitty cried himself out into Jack’s jersey.

“It’s okay, Bits. I’ve got you. You’re safe.” Jack promised. “I’m sorry, I’m so sorry this all happened. It was my fault.” He added, guilt flooding in. Bitty shook his head violently and then grimaced with pain. 

“Okay, take it easy.” Jack told him. 

“Here.” Emily murmured offering Jack a water bottle. Jack took it gratefully and handed it to Bitty gently.

“Drink, you’ll get dehydrated with all that crying. Your head is probably already pounding.” Jack told Bitty, who listened. Jack kept a hold of him as Bittle sniffled and sipped water until he was dry eyed and his water bottle was empty. 

“Eric, could I check you out now?” Emily asked kindly “You probably have a concussion.” Bitty’s hand tightened on Jack’s arm and part of Jack wanted to push him away. Jack wasn’t worthy of Bitty’s trust. He had gotten him into this state. He had been lying to Bitty for months.

“Jack can stay right where he is don’t you worry.” Emily reassured. 

“Okay.” Bitty agreed. “Okay, I’m alright.”

“Does your head hurt?” Emily asked grabbing her penlight.

“Yeah.” Bitty agreed. Emily ran through the standard procedure to check for a concussion and got Bitty a bag of ice. 

“You’ve definitely got a concussion sweetheart, you’re gonna want to go to student health and see what they say on how long you have before you can play again. I’m not a doctor but I’d recommend you take it easy for a while, take care of yourself over the summer and you’ll be back at it by next season.” She recommended. 

“Thank you.” Bitty told her. “I’m sorry about earlier.”

“Don’t apologize, Eric. You’re just fine.” She told him. “I’m going to go get your coaches and they’ll have a chat with you about the timeline here.” She said stepping out.

“I’m sorry for losing it like that.” Bitty told Jack. 

“You don’t have to apologize, Bittle.” Jack told him. “It’s not your fault. Besides, I got you into this mess. I’m so sorry. I was so focused on winning the game instead of keeping my team safe I shouldn’t have put you in that position.”

“It was the right play to make.” Bitty told him. “It’s hockey, Jack. Everyone gets checked.”

“I’m still sorry.” Jack told him.

“You’re forgiven.” Bitty told him. “Thank you for helping me.”

“Anytime, Bittle. Anytime.” Jack promised.


	15. Chapter 15

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bitty getting a little clearly and reflecting on things talking to his coaches

Bitty felt embarrassed by the way he was still clinging to Jack but Jack didn’t seem to care. He kept a comforting gentle arm around Bitty, a reminder that he was here and that he was safe. Bitty was fiercely glad that Jack had been there. He had known exactly what to say to help Bitty realize what was going on, to help pull him out of the flashback and calm down a little. Actually… he had known EXACTLY what to say, very specifically. He had known that the dark scared Bitty, he knew that being alone scared Bitty. He knew that Bitty was hearing the torments of people who didn’t exist. He had known to give Bitty his phone and reassure him that it was there. He had known to tell him that he wasn’t trapped, that he could walk out of the room. There was no way he should have been able to know all of that. It didn’t make any sense, unless… Unless Jack had seen his videos. Unless he had found them. Before Bitty could ask him about it both Coach Hall and Murray walked in. 

“How are you feeling Bittle?” Hall asked gently. 

“My head hurts.” Bitty answered. “And I’m tired, but that’s just the crying. I’m sorry about falling apart, Coach.” 

“You don’t owe us an apology, Bittle. You don’t even owe us an explanation, but I would like one if you’re willing to offer it.” Hall told him. “Only because I’m worried about you, kid. I don’t know what just happened out there but I don’t want it to happen again. I can’t stop that if I don’t know what did it.” He added. 

“Of course.” Bitty agreed. “I um-” 

“Would you like Jack to leave?” Murray asked, politely. Bitty looked over at Jack.

“I have a feeling he already knows all of it.” Bitty said. Jack looked down at his hands. 

“I do.” He said quietly. Bitty bit his lip. 

“Yes, well, we will be talking about that later, Mr. Zimmermann.” He said. “But I’d like you to stay if you would?” He requested. 

“Of course, I’m not going anywhere.” Jack agreed, smiling at Bitty. The way he said it made Bitty’s chest tighten. He said it like a promise to stay by Bitty’s side forever. Bitty turned back to their coaches.

“I got bullied a lot when I was younger. Because I was small and feminine, and gay. Not that they knew it for sure back then, but it was enough that I might be. I was an easy target. Towards the end of seventh grade this group of boys from the football team who always bullied me got together and beat me up. Then they locked me in a utility closet in the school at the end of the day. No one was in the building to hear me crying for help. I was stuck in there all night. They didn’t do anything big like that again, not after the police got involved trying to figure out who did it, but they didn’t leave me be either. Anyway, ever since then I’ve had some trouble with physicality sometimes. Just when people are so much bigger than me and I feel helpless. Or when I’m in a really small space. It’s stupid, I know. I was just a kid. I should get over it, and I’ve been getting better, but getting hit like that…. It’s like I was living it all over again.”

“I’m so sorry, Bittle.” Hall murmured, looking stunned. “Why do you play hockey if physicality triggers this?” 

“Because I like hockey, and I’m decent at it.” Bitty answered with a shrug.

“You are a good hockey player, Eric.” Murray told him. “But what you just described, that’s called PTSD. You need help.” 

“I’ve been doing okay.” Bitty protested. 

“Bittle, you just had a horrible flashback during a game, you aren’t fine.” Hall told him. “Now we can’t tell you how to live, and we can’t force you to do anything, but I think you should look into seeing someone about this.”

“It’s nothing to be ashamed of.” Jack added gently. “PTSD is a reaction to trauma, Bittle. It’s not your fault, and no one can hold it against you. I’ve got anxiety. It’s a mental illness. It’s something real that can be treated.” He said. 

“I don’t know.” Bitty said at last. “I’ll think about it okay?”

“Of course.” Hall agreed. “Now you need to go to student health one way or another to talk about that concussion, alright. You’re benched for now, of course. Hopefully, we’ll have you back at full strength next season. Worry about taking care of yourself, okay?” 

“Yup. Thanks, Coach.” Bitty agreed, gratefully. “I’m gonna go shower, and then head home. I need a nap.” 

“Good plan. We’ll see you, not at practice, but you meet with us after you go to student health.” Murray said. 

“Okay, will do.” Bitty agreed. Then he stood up, only slightly shakily. His head spun. Jack held onto his arm to steady him. 

“Careful there, Bittle.” He said. “Why don’t I help you, okay? Can’t have you knocking your head against the floor again because you fell over, eh?” 

“Okay. We need to talk anyway.” Bitty told him. Jack nodded, looking afraid. 

“Yeah of course. Let’s clean up and get you back to your dorm first though, okay?” He suggested. Bitty sighed. 

“That sounds wonderful.” He said with a small smile. His head hurt too much to be too angry with Jack for whatever the hell was going on. He just wanted to take a nap.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yes, I am aware that people say you're not supposed to nap after getting a concussion (There's more to it than that and the paranoia is a bit over the top) also no one is saying that Bitty's going to get his nap...


	16. Chapter 16

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Short chapter of a short conversation between Jack and Bitty

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys! Sorry this is so short!

When they finally got back to his dorm Bitty collapsed into his bed. 

“I have never been more tired in my whole life.” He muttered. Jack sighed.

“Listen maybe you should just get some rest.” He tried. 

“Oh no, we’re having this conversation.” Bitty told him. He pointed at his desk chair. “Sit.” He ordered. Jack pulled the chair over to face where Bitty had propped himself up on his bed. His stomach felt like it was full of lead. 

“So you’ve watched my videos huh?” Bitty asked.

“Yes, all of them.” Jack agreed. 

“How did you find my channel?” Bitty asked. 

“I was looking for recipes to help me learn to cook. You explained things so well, at a good pace. You didn’t have many healthy recipes but in the beginning it didn’t matter because I wasn’t training for anything. It was right after my overdose.” Jack told him, staring at his hands as he spoke. Bitty was silent for a painfully long moment. 

“You’ve been watching them for years…” Bitty murmured hoarsely, “And you just didn’t mention?!”

“I felt like it would be weird.” Jack said with a grimace. “I mean I know it’s weirder now, but we were friends, I didn’t want to give up talking to you…”

“Wait, I’m sorry what?” Bitty asked incredulously. Jack grimaced. It was probably best to just get it all out there. 

“I told you it was my initials, not a reference to a rapper. Jack Zimmermann. Number one is my jersey number.” He said, finally looking up at Bitty. Bitty was staring at him dumbfounded, then he smacked him in the shoulder

“What the fuck, Jack?!” He demanded, wincing at the volume of his own voice. “You bastard! We were friends for years, and you decided not to tell me? What the hell? Why? I would have been happy to see you! Instead you lied, why?”

“I didn’t lie, I just didn’t tell you.” Jack said. “I know it was a mistake I was just scared. I felt awkward about seeing you. I didn’t know how to treat you. I’m a fan. I was a little… overwhelmed, and I didn’t want to make a fool of myself so I ended up being rude, and I’m sorry.” 

“I talked to You about You.” Bitty groaned burying his face in his hand. “I made such a fool of myself.”

“No, it was fine. I did all of this, you couldn’t have known. I was the one who made a fool of myself.” Jack told him. 

“Yes, you did you damned fool” Bitty sighed. “You should have just talked to me, it would have been fine.” 

“I know. I’m sorry, but after the beginning I was in too deep.” Jack admitted. Bitty just chuckled and shook his head a little.

“I’m too tired to be properly mad at you right now.” He said shaking his head. “Listen, Jack, honey, we are friends. We are friends because I’ve been making videos for you from the time I was fifteen even if I didn’t know it, and we’re friends now. I’m glad we are, but, honey, you’ve got to talk to me.”

“No more secrets, I promise.” Jack told him, crossing a finger over his heart.

“Good.” Bitty said with a smile. “We will talk more about this, but can I go to sleep now?” He asked.

“I…. Yes, I guess so.” Jack agreed hesitantly, “But I’m going to stay here and wake you up in an hour to check on you, if that’s okay.” He couldn’t help being worried. Bitty had hit the ice so hard. Jack had been playing and watching hockey a long time, but it had still been horrible watching Bitty’s head hit the ice without a helmet. 

“You know medically, sleep is good for people with concussions. My eyes focus and I can walk easy enough now, sleeping is fine.” Bitty told him.

“Yeah, I know.” Jack agreed. “But I’m going to stay here anyway. I know technically it’s not true that if you fall asleep with a concussion you’ll never wake up, but I’m worried about you.” 

“Thank you, Jack.” Bitty said, lying down and curling up sleepily.

“Anytime, Bitty. I’ve got your back.” Jack promised. He turned out the lights for Bitty and sat back down, pulling out his phone. He had an article to read for class.

“I’m glad you knew.” Bitty said very quietly. “I’m glad you were there, knowing... I feel safe with you.” He murmured. 

“You’re always safe with me.” Jack promised. “I’m just glad I could help.”

“You helped so much.” Bitty murmured, already half asleep. “But I’m still upset with you.”

“Get some sleep, Bittle.” Jack told him. “You can yell at me when you wake up, I’m not going anywhere.” 

“Good.” Bitty said, and then he was asleep. Jack watched him for longer than was socially acceptable. He couldn’t help it. Bitty was beautiful, even with a bruise on his temple. Jack figured that their conversation had gone about as well as he could ever hope for it to go. Of course it had, because Bitty was perfect.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> See you tomorrow!


	17. Chapter 17

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bitty reflects, chats with Shitty all that fun stuff!

Jack, true to his word, woke Bitty up after an hour to check on him. They talked for a while about hockey and classes; anything besides what had happened to Bitty and the fact that Jack watched Bitty’s videos. Once Jack was sure that Bitty was thinking clearly he let him go back to sleep. 

“I’ll leave you alone for now.” Jack told him. “I’ll send Shitty or someone over later to check on you.” He added. 

“You hover like a mother hen.” Bitty murmured into his pillow, already half asleep again.

“I just care, Bitty.” Jack told him. “We all do, you know. Everyone who follows you online. Everyone who has ever met you. The team especially. We all care about you so much.” 

“Thanks, Jack.” Bitty said blushing. “Now you let me nap in peace.” He added. Jack nodded and made his way out of the room nearly tripping over his own feet as he turned back before shutting the door. Bitty giggled to himself. 

“Oh Jack Zimmermann, you are a fool.” He murmured to the now empty room. Jack was a fool, a beautiful, dorky lovable fool. Bitty felt like an idiot for not realizing who Jack was. JZ#1. Now that he knew it was obvious, but before… it hadn’t even occurred to him that they could be the same person. JZ-Jack, he would have to remember that it was Jack-never talked about hockey. He talked about food, life in general, and history sometimes… If Jack was a fool then so was Bitty. 

Bitty wasn’t sure what to think. Jack had lied to him, mislead him and been utterly rude in the beginning… but then he had been kind. He had done everything he could to help Bitty even if he was awkward about it. He hadn’t meant to be rude. He truly had just been worried about him and unsure how to talk to him. Yes, Jack knew all the things Bitty hadn’t wanted the team to know, but he didn’t seem to judge like Bitty was afraid of. He was just kind and supportive. Jack had his own mental illness struggles, of course he would understand better than most people. He had known exactly what to say to help Bitty through his flashback and panic attack. He had been a fool in the beginning not telling Bitty, but if there was one thing Bitty had learned in his real life friendship with Jack it was that Jack was awkward. He wasn’t always sure how to deal with human interaction and when he didn’t know what to do he just sort of froze up and went into slightly rude hockey robot mode. It wasn’t his fault he was anxious around people, he meant well. That was one thing Bitty was certain of: Jack meant well. 

With that knowledge of Jack’s well meaning, the fact that he had helped Bitty, and the fact that they were friends in multiple ways now, Bitty found it difficult to be truly mad at Jack. In the end he wasn’t really angry, and he didn’t hate him. The problem was, Bitty just didn’t trust him the same way anymore. That pissed him off more than anything. He cared about Jack. Jack usually made him feel safe, in a way he still did. Bitty couldn’t forget how safe he had felt with Jack watching over him when he fell asleep. Except Bitty couldn’t trust him completely anymore. He hated it. He was angry with Jack for making him not trust him anymore, but he didn’t know how to tell Jack that. Bitty just wanted to feel safe and comfortable. He wanted to trust Jack again.

“I’m too tired to figure all this out now.” Bitty muttered deciding to deal with it later as he turned over to go back to sleep. He woke up to Shitty setting a gentle hand on his shoulder. 

“Hey Bits, time to wake up. I’ve got an ice-pack and some food for you.” He said quietly. Bitty woke up blinking blearily at Shity. He groaned at the pounding in his head. 

“Hi Shitty.” He mumbled. “What time is it?” 

“Late but you didn’t eat anything earlier and Jack made soup for you.” Shitty said holding out a water bottle and some ibuprofen which Bitty accepted gratefully sitting up to take the medication. Shitty handed him the ice pack next which he held against his pounding head.

“He made me soup?” Bitty asked smiling against his better judgement. 

“Yeah, potato something or other. He said it’s your recipe, even though nothing he makes turns out as well as yours.” Shitty told him. Bitty knew immediately that Jack must have pulled his moomaw’s creamy potato soup recipe from his channel. Bitty loved chicken noodle soup as much as the next person but for some reason to him the ultimate comfort food was that creamy potato soup. Of course, he had posted the video saying that with the recipe over a year ago. The fact that Jack had remembered and cared enough to make it for Bitty made his eyes well up. He was grateful for the dim lighting in the room as he fought back tears. 

“It’s my favorite.” Bitty told Shitty. “He’s a sweetheart sometimes. Even if he is a fool.” He muttered mostly to himself. 

“He does his best.” Shitty said gently. “He’s mad worried about you, you know? We all are.” 

“I’m okay, Shitty.” Bitty promised. He grinned as he started eating his soup. It wasn’t perfect but it was exactly what he needed. 

“Okay, just if you ever need anything, we’re here for you okay.” Shitty told him. “You’ve got my number, call me day or night, I don’t care. That goes for all of us actually. If you can’t get a hold of me or Jack, call Lardo, Ransom, or Holster, we’ve all got your back.” 

“Thanks.” Bitty said with a smile. “It means a lot.” Bitty sighed lapsing into silence as he ate his soup. His phone was sitting on his bedside table, a connection to the rest of the world. He could contact anyone. He wasn’t alone. Still even with Shitty sitting by his bed, eating his potato soup Bitty felt shaken. His room felt too dark, took small. He knew turning the lights on would be a mistake, and that his room had a window and the door unlocked from the inside so he couldn’t be trapped but the fear was so much closer than usual. He finished his soup and sat in silence for a few moments. Shitty just sat by his side not pushing him to talk, just present. It helped. Finally, Bitty took a deep breath.

“I think I have post traumatic stress disorder.” He said. He had known what it was, had known for years that his symptoms were similar to PTSD. He had known he had a problem but he had never really said it. He had never thought about it as something besides his problem that he had to deal with. 

“That really sucks, Bitty.” Shitty said quietly. “I’m sorry you have to deal with that. Thank you for trusting me enough to tell me.” 

“I’ve never even said it to myself.” Bitty admitted. “But I think… I think I need help.” 

“There’s no shame in that. Even the strongest people can’t get through everything alone.” Shitty told him. “If you need help, realizing it, and taking steps to get it requires so much strength in the first place.”

“I don’t know how to start.” Bitty whispered. Shitty nodded.

“That’s okay. You don’t have to do this alone, Bits. We’ll figure it out, yeah? I don’t know much about psychologists or anything but I’ll do some research, and you can always talk to Jack. He has a therapist here, did you know? He might be able to recommend some first steps.” He offered. Bitty nodded. 

“That sounds like a good idea.” He agreed finally. “Thank you.” 

“Anytime, Bitty.” Shitty told him with a grin. “I’m gonna go, but if you need me just give me a call.” 

“Yup, see you later.” Bitty agreed. Shitty left him. Bitty picked up his phone.

‘Thanks for the soup. It was really good.’ He texted Jack. It was late and Jack didn’t text back so he was presumably asleep but it didn’t matter. Bitty would see him again tomorrow.


	18. Chapter 18

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bitty and Jack talk/argue/flirt/bake

Jack woke up to a text from Bitty. He smiled at it. He had been terrified to make anything for Bitty. He knew he wasn’t nearly as good of a cook as Bitty, and if he messed up Bitty’s favorite food he would probably have to go hide in a cave and never show his face again… but he had wanted to make sure Bitty ate something. Jack was more worried about Bitty than he could ever remember being about anyone before.

‘I’m glad you liked it. I was so scared to make anything for you.’ He sent back. 

‘Well I do have very high standards. Which you would know, of course.’ Bitty send back. Jack could picture his judgmental, disapproving face. 

‘Yes, I do… I’m sorry, Bits. I’m really sorry.’ Jack sent back.

‘You mentioned.’ Bitty told him. Jack’s heart sank. ‘I’m sorry that was rude, I’m not trying to be mean here.’

‘Eric, you have every right to hate me.’ 

‘I don’t hate you, Jack. We’re friends, but you broke my trust, and I’m just trying to learn trust you again. It might take a while.’

‘I’m so sorry, Bitty. I didn’t mean to hurt you. You have every right not to trust me. I’m going to do my best to earn your trust back. Right now, though, you just worry about getting better.’ Jack told him.

‘Mother hen, you always did get all worried about me didn’t you?’ Bitty sent back and Jack was relieved at the light tone. 

‘Of course I did, when I first started watching you were just a kid, you were struggling and alone. I knew what it was like to have mental health problems, but I always had parents who knew and understood. I was medicated and everything and I still fell apart. I couldn’t imagine being alone without all that and still getting through.’

‘Oh… we were in very different places Jack. You had soo much pressure on you, and we have different sorts of issues.’

‘Still, I worried. I did my best to support you and I always will. Because you are an incredible person, Bittle, and you deserve better than to struggle alone.’ 

‘Thank you so much,’ Bitty sent back, ‘I’m going to come over, and you are going to help me bake because you have experience and I am not allowed to exert myself at the moment. Besides, I want to talk to you about something.’ 

‘Of course, as long as you don’t overexert yourself.’ Jack agreed. 

It took long enough for Bitty to get to the Haus that Jack nearly got worried. Then he was there. He looked tired, but he smiled at Jack when he walked into the kitchen. 

“Hello, Jack.” He said, sitting down at the kitchen table. 

“Hey, Bitty.” Jack said with a smile. “What can I help you with?” 

“I need to put a recipe video out tomorrow.” 

“Bits, everyone will forgive you if you miss one Monday.” Jack told him. 

“Nope, there is no reason for me to slack when I have a friend with some experience with free time.” Bitty answered. “What do you say? I’ll tell you exactly what to do, and you actually do the work, sound okay?” He asked. 

“Of course.” Jack agreed. “I think your followers will be disappointed not to see your face.” 

“Shush, my face doesn’t matter. It’s about the recipes.” Eric tried to protest.

“It’s never just about the recipes.” Jack told him. “Your followers think you’re gorgeous… actually your followers think you’re hot, and you know it. I know you read their comments.” Bitty blushed bright red. 

“You need to stop Mr. Zimmermann! Besides, you’ve been voted one of the most beautiful people in Samwell several times, so shush.” 

“I’m sorry, all chirping aside I’d be honored to help you and to be on the vlog… again.” 

“Oh god.” Bitty muttered burying his face in his hands. “You knew what I made that for you! And I made such a fool of myself trying to come up with excuses about French class. Oh Lord!” 

“Bitty, that was the sweetest thing anyone has ever done for me.” Jack said, wishing he had better words to express this. “I loved it so much. Somehow you could tell from the fact that I was being curt and making excuses, that I was struggling a bit and you made me comfort food just for me. I was so overwhelmed…” He shook his head. 

“You are a much better actor than I ever would have expected.” Bitty laughed, still blushing. He shook his head. “I’m glad you liked it… I just… this is ridiculous Jack. I can’t believe you lied to me for so long!”

“I’m sorry.” Jack said again. “Are you angry with me? I mean, you’re totally allowed to be I just want to know where we stand because sometimes you seem mad and other times you don’t…”

“I don’t know if I’m mad at you Jack. I know you always mean well but,” Bitty sighed, “But I just feel like I trusted you so much and all the while you didn’t trust me and you were lying to me and now I don’t trust you the same anymore and it sucks! It sucks because I was so happy to have that sort of trusting relationship with you and now it’s gone and I am mad at you for taking that away from me. I am, but somehow I’m still not all that mad at you? I don’t know I’m really confused Jack. Like I said it’s going to take some time, and you’re just going to have to put up it and let me work through it for as long as I need because you owe me that much.” The words spilled out of Bitty’s mouth without him meaning them to. 

“I’m really sorry, I never meant to break your trust. I have always trusted you Bitty. It wasn’t about that. I was just being… stupid. However much time you need you’re allowed to take, if you don’t want me around a lot, that’s fine too. I messed up, so whatever you need from me, I’ll do it.” Jack offered feeling so horrendously guilty. 

“And see things like that are so frustrating because I kind of want to be mad at you but then you’re so sweet and understanding and I just can’t be really mad!” Bitty exclaimed. Jack bit his lip.

“Do you want me to be an asshole?” He offered with a bit of a smirk. 

“No.” Bitty told him flatly. 

“Really? I’m told I’m good at it, I can do the whole bit, glaring, and yelling and being rude. Then you can be properly pissed off at me.” Jack told him, actually smiling as he saw Bitty’s lips twitch. 

“See! Right there! How am I supposed to stay mad at you?! I’m so bad at it!” Bitty exclaimed. Jack looked down in only semi-false repentance.

“I am sorry about that.” He said. Bitty just shook his head. 

“Like I said just give me time to work through this on my own, for now we just keep on making it up as we go.” He told Jack.

“Alright then.” Jack agreed, feeling like he had gotten off ridiculously light.

“Right enough of that conversation, we are going to get to work. And afterwards, I want your advice on something else.” Bitty declared. 

“Okay, let’s get to work.” Jack agreed. He tried to ignore the camera, focusing on Bitty’s instructions and the pie he’s making. They sat down as the pie bakes. It’s some sort of savory chicken and mushroom thing that Jack probably wouldn’t expect to enjoy, but knew he’ll love. It smelled great. 

“So what did you want to talk about?” Jack asked. Bitty took a deep breath.

“I need help.” He said at last, in a quiet but strong voice. “Professional help, dealing with.” He gestured at his head vaguely. 

“Your PTSD?” Jack asked gently. Bitty sighed and nodded. 

“Exactly. I mean, I think I knew that’s what it was but I tried not to think about it. I guess I thought I’d eventually just get over it, but that’s not going to happen. I need to do something, but I don’t know where to start. I was wondering if you could help?” He asked hopefully.

“Of course.” Jack breathed. He felt a wave of relief crashing over him. He hadn’t realized how worried he still was about Bitty’s mental health until he heard that Bitty was going to do something about it. He felt ridiculously, unreasonably proud. “I can help you find a therapist if you want, I can even drive you if you need me to. Whatever you need Bittle, I’ve got your back.” He promised. Bitty beamed and Jack felt like he might possibly self combust. 

“Thank you so much.” Bitty said. 

“You have to stop thanking me, as far as I see it, I still owe you a lot for how long I lied to you.” Jack managed to say through the implosive feeling in his chest.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> These boys... honestly!


	19. Chapter 19

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bitty starts going to therapy and promptly has to go home to Georgia for the summer...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay so I didn't actually write it into the actual fic but Bitty's followers lose their minds when they see Jack in another video. A good quarter of them are just being thirsty mother fuckers but at least half of them are like "Holy fuck, Bitty you need to marry that man! (or at least fuck him)" And Bitty is just blushing and being adorable as he tries to tell them all to calm down, Jack is his teammate and his friend, and they need to get their minds out of the gutter. Also "STOP! JACK CAN SEE THESE YOU HEATHENS!!!" 
> 
> So do with that what you will!

Jack drove Bitty to his first appointment. Bitty came out of it officially diagnosed with PTSD from his childhood trauma. It was... it was surprisingly good. Bitty felt a little less broken just to have someone tell him “Yes, you are allowed to feel like this. This is a normal reaction.” It meant more to him than he expected. He had a good feeling about going to therapy.

Of course, then he had to go home for the summer, which really sucked. Jack looked at him with these big worried eyes right before he left.

“You sure you’re going to be okay?” He asked. Bitty smiled.

“I’ll be fine Jack, Kala referred me to a therapist in Georgia for the summer, we've got it all set up.” He promised. This was true, Kala (Dr. Waite had asked him to use her first name) was his therapist at Samwell and Bitty adored her. “I’m doing okay Jack, my head’s healing up in more ways than one. I promise.”

“Okay. Don’t hesitate to call.” Jack told him. 

“You know I won’t.” Bitty laughed. “And you’d better not avoid talking to me or. so help me god, I will kill you.”

“I won’t I swear.” Jack promised. Bitty grinned and waved as Jack turned and walked away. He had prospect camps to be at. Bitty on the other hand had a hard conversation to prepare for. He had to tell his mother. Well, he didn’t exactly have to tell her, but after a long talk with Kala Bitty realized that talking to his mother about this was going to be an important part of his recovery. He knew it would be easier if he didn’t have to look her in the eye so he was going to tell her on the drive back down to Georgia. 

When she got there he knew he was being awkward as he piled his stuff into the car and climbed in, but he couldn’t help it. 

“Dicky, are you alright?” She asked. 

“Yeah! Totally! I’m fine, let’s just get on the road! Long trip ahead of us. I’ll drive.” He said too fast. His mother frowned but sat in the passenger seat in silence as he got them onto the highway. 

“Dicky, please tell me what’s wrong.” His mother murmured.

“Mama… I have to tell you something.” He said 

“You can tell me anything, sweetheart, you know that.” She told him. 

“I know, I should have talked to you a lot sooner, but I was… I was really messed up about it. That’s kinda the point I guess, I’ve been messed up over this since I was thirteen.” He took a deep breath. “The thing is I have PTSD and I have since the utility closet. I have panic attacks sometimes, flashbacks if something triggers it. I can’t breathe in small places because of it. I can’t handle physicality on the ice because I see their faces every time someone comes at me. I mean, I’ve gotten a lot better over the years but it’s still a problem and after that check… I had a really bad flashback, and I realized I need help. Real help. I… I’ve been going to therapy lately and I think it’ll really help. It really helps just to hear them say ‘yes, you have PTSD’ Because I’ve spent so long feeling weak because of it. I didn’t… I didn’t tell you and Coach because I didn’t want to be pitied and I didn’t want you two to worry over me more than ever but there it is. I just. I felt so trapped in Georgia for so long. For a lot of reasons, and I’ve been so scared all the time for so long. But my teammates helped me realize I don’t have to do this alone, and that needing help doesn’t make me weak. And I’m so glad I’m getting help Mama. It’s been six years since it happened and I’m just so tired of being afraid, of flinching away from people because part of me still expects to get hit. I’m tired of hiding all the time. I’m sick and tired of never being able to use my closet because just walking into an enclosed space like that makes my knees go weak and my stomach churn.” Bitty said. His voice wavered slightly but his eyes were dry. His mother on the other hand, was crying.

“Mama, don’t cry. It’s okay. It’s okay, I’m doing better, I’m gonna get better. I’m sorry I didn’t talk to you about it before.”

“Oh Dicky, I’m so sorry. I didn’t know… I never thought it was still… oh it was so much worse than we ever knew, wasn’t it?”

“Yeah, it was. They really bullied me. I guess I didn’t realize when I was young how different it was from what most people go through. I was too busy trying to survive. I mean, I don’t think they would have killed me, but I was thirteen and I was convinced they would, especially if I told on them.” He shook his head. “I was a fool. But when you’re young and you get bullied every day it feels like the whole world.” 

“I’m so sorry we didn’t take better care of you.” His mama sniffed helplessly. 

“It’s not your fault. It’s not my fault either. It’s on them and the homophobic, sexist society we live in that leads to boys seeing anyone even slightly feminine as a target.” Bitty answered. “I don’t blame you and Coach for any of this. Not even for the bits that came afterward, that was on me for not being more open about it.”

“I’m so proud of you honey.” His Mama told him through tears. “You’re so strong. I’m so glad that you found the support and the help that you need.” 

“Thank you.” Bitty told her, sniffling a little as well because he loves his mother so much. She’s so supportive and he feels like a weight that has been on his shoulders for six years is finally gone. 

“Lord, I am a mess.” She sniffed, wiping her eyes. “When you said you had something to tell me I thought I knew what was coming but I was not expecting this.” 

“What did you think I was going to say?” Bitty asked, chuckling wetly. 

“I thought you were going to tell me you were gay, and I’d tell you I loved you and then we’d spend the whole car ride talking about boys.” She said laughing weakly. Bitty froze. His mother did too. “Oh no! I’m sorry Dicky I didn’t mean to say that. I was just so overwhelmed, I was talking without thinking. I didn’t mean to make any assumptions or push you into telling me anything you don’t want to.” She said rapidly. Bitty took a deep shaky breath focusing on the road and not crashing the car. Then, after at least a full minute, he chuckled.

“Well…” He said as brightly as he could manage even though his voice was still shaking. “There is this one boy.” He glanced over to see his mother beaming at him. He spotted a rest stop and pulled off the highway. As soon as Bitty parked the car his mother jumped out and came over to his side of the car. When he climbed out she pulled him into a tight hug.

“I’m proud of you no matter what and I love you so much, Dicky, so much. I don’t care if you’re gay, or bi, or pan, or anything. All I want is for you to be safe and happy.” She told him.

“I’m gay.” Bitty told her just to clarify. She nodded. 

“My beautiful gay son.” She said holding him at arm’s length. “You are so perfect. PTSD and all.” 

“Thanks, Mama.” Bitty said, and then he was sobbing into her arms as she held him close, rubbing his back and promising him that everything would be okay. 

When they finally got home (after the longest car ride ever) Bitty sat down with his laptop. 

“So I had a complete breakdown at a rest stop just off the highway.” He told his camera, and thus his followers. He was grinning. “In the best way. I told my mom about my PTSD, and that I’m gay. Well, I mean she guessed, but we talked about it. It was… guys it was the best thing that’s ever happened.She was so supportive. Apparently, she’s been going to a sensitivity support group type thing for relatives of LGBTQ people who come from conservative backgrounds. She said she was so glad she decided to go, even if I hadn’t been gay, that she’s learned so much and that she’s ashamed of the way she used to think.” He shook his head. 

The conversation he had had with his mom was easily one of the best moments in his entire life. It had taken a long time for him to stop crying and for both of them to calm down so that they could get back on the road to home but when they had she had asked about that boy. He had told her about Jack, without naming names. He told her about the whole stupid situation they had gotten themselves into but how despite being the biggest idiot ever sometimes, Jack was so sweet, and supportive, and kind. He told her about how Jack was a dork, but in the most endearing adorable way. He told her about how Jack had helped him through his flashback, made him food, and helped him with his videos. 

“Wow.” She laughed. “Sounds like you’ve landed yourself quite the boyfriend.” 

“Mama! We aren’t dating!” Bitty had yelped swerving slightly before jerking the car back into his lane. She had raised an eyebrow at him. 

“Dicky, sweetheart, if that boy isn’t wildly in love with you I’m a chicken.” She told him. “Why on earth aren’t y’all together?” 

“I… What?” Bitty had stammered. She stared at him, and he had gone so red he thought his face might actually burst into flames. “I’m a damn fool, aren’t I?” He asked at last. She laughed. 

“You’re young. You’re allowed to be a fool every now and then.” She told him. 

Thinking about it as he faced his camera, knowing Jack would watch the video, Bitty blushed again. 

“My Mama is a very smart lady.” He told his followers at last before changing the subject.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wooh we're getting so close guys! Nothing like a good chapter complete with supportive parents!


	20. Chapter 20

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jack and Bitty talk. Jack and Shitty talk.

As soon as Jack saw the video he called Bitty, who picked up on the first ring. 

“Congratulations, Bits!” Jack exclaimed. Bitty laughed on the other end of the line. Jack had thought that hundreds of miles between them talking over the phone Bitty’s laugh may have lost some of its impact. Unfortunately it still appeared to have the ability to melt Jack’s insides to a puddle of warm goop. 

“Thanks, sweetheart,” Bitty said, “I honestly can’t believe how amazingly well it all went. We told Coach about the PTSD and the therapy as well and he was good about it. Well actually he got really choked up, and apologized like a million times for not doing something better. I think he may have actually been crying, which is insane because I’ve never seen him cry in my whole life.” 

“That’s good though, that they’re being supportive and everything.” Jack said. 

“Yeah, it really is. I haven’t come out to my dad yet. Mama told me he didn’t see it coming like she did, and she’s been trying to ease him into being more accepting just so we know where I stand when I do come out to him. Hopefully by the end of the summer though.” Bitty told him hopefully. Jack grinned. 

“That’s fantastic. I know how terrifying coming out can be, I mean when I told my parents I was so scared.” Jack said. 

“Told your parents what?” Bitty asked. Jack went still, he hadn’t meant to say that. It wasn’t like his bisexuality was exactly a secret among his close friends but Jack never talked about it. He never slipped up like that, but he had just kind of forgotten that Bitty didn’t know already. 

“That I am bisexual.” Jack answered at last, quietly even though he knows he’s alone in his room and no one is going to hear him. “I hadn’t told you that, sorry, I forgot you didn’t know.” He added.

“No, I didn’t.” Bitty said at last. “Oh, you could have told me ages ago.” 

“I know, I’m sorry. It’s just hard. I’m used to keeping it a secret because I have spent so long in the spotlight of a sport where queer people aren’t always welcome. It doesn’t exactly help being bi either, plenty of gay guys hate bi guys, they think we’re just confused gay boys, or greedy, or straight people trying to get attention.” Jack confessed. “Not that I thought you would be like that. I should have told you.” He added.

“You don’t have to apologize, I was just meant that you can trust me. I mean, you don't have to, but I'm glad you do and you always can. Of course you’re allowed to tell people or not tell people whenever you’d like. It’s your sexuality.” He said. Jack grinned. 

“Well, I wanted to tell you anyway.” Jack said with a smile. “After all, I know so much about you. You should be allowed to know more about me.” He added. This was new and scary territory for Jack. He wasn’t used to sharing a lot of himself with people, but he wanted to share with Bitty.

“Hmm, interesting so does that mean you’ll answer any question I ask?” Bitty asked curiously. Jack bit his lip. 

“How about one per day?” He suggested. “You get one question a day that I will answer completely honestly, as long as the question is reasonable.” 

“You don’t have to you know.” Bitty told him, sounding a little worried. Jack’s fear was probably a little obvious, but he just shook his head for his own sake. 

“I want to. I know I broke your trust by lying to you. I want to be able to earn that trust back, and I want to be able to share more of myself with you.” He said. “One question per day, all summer.” 

“I appreciate that Jack. I do…. Wow, alright then, this will be fun.” Bitty said brightly. “I think for today, I’ll ask how old you were when you came out to your parents?” 

“I was sixteen.” Jack answered. “They were perfectly happy with it. My parents have always been pretty accepting. They even still let Parse hang out, all the time.” 

“Wait, what was between you and Kent Parson?” Bitty asked. Jack chuckled awkwardly. 

“You’ll have to ask tomorrow.” He teased. 

“You suck.” Bitty told him but he was laughing. “I’ll talk to you tomorrow, Jack. Thanks for calling.”

“Of course.” Jack agreed. “Before you go, how’s your head?”

“Okay, headache hurts less today than yesterday, so that’s progress.” Bitty answered. 

“Good. Talk to you tomorrow Bitty. Take care of yourself.” Jack told him. 

“Yup.” Bitty agreed before they both hung up. Jack sighed, threw himself onto his bed and then after a few moments called Shitty. 

“I told him I’m bi.” Jack said as soon as Shitty answered. 

“That’s progress, now he knows he at least has a shot if he wants to take it.” Shitty said just going with the swing of the conversation. This was how their friendship worked.

“Yeah, I may have also flirted a bit and given him permission to ask me a question every day and get an honest answer….” Jack said. 

“Damn, you are so gone on Bitty it’s not even funny.” Shitty told him. Jack sighed.

“I know.” He agreed. “I mean I’m not going to start anything this summer… but maybe when we get back to school.”

“My boy is gonna get some?!” Shitty asked excitedly. Jack groaned. 

“Dammit, Shitty! Mind out of gutter.” He ordered. 

“Come on, Bitty’s hot, if I swung that way I would totally-” Shitty started.

“Die a sad miserable death after I threw you down a well?” Jack suggested, laughing.

“Damn, Zimmermann, jealous much?” Shitty teased. “You know I’m not about to start moving in on your man, relax. Well, not that he’s yours. People don’t belong to people, relationships or no, it’s really a messed up social custom to think-”

“I know Shits, I know.” Jack agreed. 

“I love you and I’m proud of you, but I have to go.” Shitty said with a sigh. In the background Jack heard Shitty’s mother shouting. ‘Bryant Knight, you get down here right now!’

“Love you too, Shitty. Good luck with her.” Jack said. 

“Thanks.” Shitty said. Before he hung up Jack heard Shitty yelling back. “Call me Bryant again and I’m running away from home!” 

Jack sighed. He worried about Shitty. He hated his parents and his name. He was willing to go by Brian, which he purposefully spelled normally, to distance it from Bryant. Still it sounded just wrong to Jack to call his best friend Brian. It didn’t suit him. That was the problem so often Shitty was forced into a place where his life didn’t seem to suit him. 

Jack’s mind was swirling as he got ready for bed. He wasn’t sure what exactly was going on in his life and the lives of his friends, but he found himself very excited to talk to Bitty the next day.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Honestly Jack and Shitty's conversation was 100% just me looking for an excuse to give Shitty a different awful name that starts with B, there's a different one in every fic I write that has to do with Shitty...


	21. Chapter 21

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A summary of Jack and Bitty's question game, and Bitty comes out to his dad!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay so like the coming out thing is semi awkward but it's mostly supportive and good, just stating in case that upsets people

Bitty fell into a routine over that summer. He baked, and made his videos. He chirped Jack via video. Little things, just adding in reminders that ‘yes, all of the butter is necessary,’ and ‘no you can’t just add walnuts to everything,’ or ‘no do not add extra maple syrup, I know you’re thinking about it. Don’t do it. It will change the texture as well as the flavor Jack!’ Jack commented on his videos as always, teasing right back. They also talked everyday. Sometimes it was just texting, sometimes Bitty called Jack or Jack called Bitty. It was good. It was easy. Bitty felt like a fucking moron for not realizing what was going on between them before. 

Every day Bitty asked a question. Sometimes he asked harder questions, ones he gave Jack permission not to answer. Sometimes he asked stupid easy questions. He found out that Kent and Jack had dated, but that it hadn’t exactly been a healthy relationship based on communication. They hadn’t been good for each other and it had all fallen apart. He found out that Jack’s favorite color was yellow, which Bitty would have never guessed but made him stupidly happy. They were both Hufflepuffs within the Harry Potter universe. Jack had had a poster of his father on his wall growing up right next to one of Wayne Gretzky on one side and Abraham Lincoln on the other (Because Jack was a nerd). Jack’s first trophy had actually been from a spelling bee and not from hockey. (He had competed in spelling bees a lot when he was young and in elementary/middle school, because as stated: Jack was a nerd). Jack had overdosed on his anxiety meds exactly one week before the draft. He usually ate a banana, cereal and a protein shake for breakfast. The weather in Georgia was much nicer than the weather anywhere Jack was, pretty much without fail. Jack’s favorite flowers were sunflowers (unsurprising given his favorite color). He had wanted to major in history since he was in fifth grade. He really loved to swim but almost never got the chance. (Bitty felt like he might explode at the thought of Jack swimming because all of those muscles on display as he cut through the water would be too much for anyone). 

It was a silly game that they played, but it helped them learn to communicate and trust each other again. Bitty told Jack pretty much everything, either via videos or when they talk and Jack was willing to tell Bitty anything he wanted to know. Bitty was starting to feel like he might know Jack better than almost anyone (except Shitty and his parents). If anything knowing Jack better and learning to trust him again only made Bitty fall harder than ever for this stupid boy. He got the feeling that maybe both of them knew what was going on between them but neither of them were saying it. 

“Mama, I swear to god, if I get back to school and that boy doesn’t make a move I’m going to poison him.” Bitty declared as he walked into the kitchen. Then he froze in place because Coach was sitting at the table. Bitty hadn’t known he was home, he said he was going to the school for a bit, Bitty had heard his mother humming as she did the dishes and assumed she was alone. 

“I- Coach… I… Well, I guess now is a good time to tell you that I’m gay.” Bitty stammered after a long silence. Coach stood up.

“Thank you for telling me, Eric.” He said quietly. “I… I can’t say I’m super comfortable with the idea in general. It’s pretty foreign to me. You know how I was raised. I know about what the church says about sinning and all that, and I don’t know much about your people in general, but I know a few things: You are my son, I love you more than anything, and you are a good man. Nothing changes those three things, son, nothing.” He promised. Bitty gave up on trying not to cry as he hugged his father. 

“Thank you, daddy.” He whispered feeling like a child again. 

“Of course, Dicky, of course.” His father agreed. “And I’m sorry, that I’m not all educated on the subject, and I’m sorry for anything I’ve done to make you feel uncomfortable or unsafe. If I ever do or say anything that makes you uncomfortable you tell me and I’ll do my best. I’m gonna try to learn, Dicky, I really am. I can’t promise I can change the way I am completely, but I’m going to go to your mother’s group with her and do all I can to try to understand and learn.” 

“That means so much, you can’t know…. Oh lord.” Bitty sat down heavily crying hard. His parents just sat with him murmuring comfort and let him cry himself out. 

“So this boy you were talking about,” Coach said once Bitty was done crying, “You two… dating?” He asked awkwardly. Bitty laughed, blushing. 

“You two!” He exclaimed looking at his parents. “I swear you’re so nosy! Mama asked me about boys the minute I came out.” 

“So?” Coach asked.

“No, we aren’t dating.” Bitty answered. “But we might. He’s a sweetheart and I’m pretty sure he has feelings for me and Lord knows I have feelings for him, but we’ve just been sort of dancing around each other all summer. We’ll see what happens when I get back to school.” 

“Do I have to give a whole different version of The Talk?” Coach asked looking terrified. Bitty managed to turn an even brighter color red. 

“God no!” He exclaimed. “Trust me, I am more educated on the topic than you.” 

“Wait have you-” His mama started.

“Don’t you dare finish that sentence!” Bitty interrupted. “I was referring to the fact that I have the internet to educate myself, there are lots of positive resources out there for sex education of people who are not straight. For your information if it happens this would be my first real boyfriend. We will pretend that’s what you were about to ask and I will go hide in my room until I can forget about it entirely.” 

“Good plan.” Coach agreed as Susanne Bittle laughed. Bitty started towards the door.

“Eric?” His dad called before he could reach the hall. 

“Yeah?”

“I just want you to know that I think you are a brave kid, and I am proud to be your father.” His father told him. 

“Thanks.” Bitty managed to squeak before hurrying out of the room. He needed to stop having these emotional conversations with his parents. It was going to kill him. Bitty flopped onto his bed, glancing around at his mostly bare room. He was all packed up to leave tomorrow. He had been planning on telling his dad tonight anyway. He was so tired he nearly didn’t answer his phone when it started ringing, except he knew it was Jack. 

“Hellooo Jack.” He greeted. 

“Hey. Bits, are you alright? You sound almost drunk.” Jack asked. Bitty laughed. 

“I’m fine, just tired.” He said, pulling himself together a little bit. Emotional conversations and crying were exhausting. “I just came out to my dad.”

“Did it go okay?” 

“Yeah, it really did. I mean he’s not going to be leading any pride parades any time soon but he’s trying. He loves me and he’s proud of me and he’s going to do his best to learn to not be homophobic which is the most I could ever ask for. I’m so happy.” 

“That’s amazing Bitty! I’m so happy for you.” Jack said, and Bitty couldn’t help smiling at how excited he really sounded. He remembered the days when they talked online and Jack would never use an exclamation point, ever. 

“Thanks.” Bitty murmured. 

“You ready to get back to school?” Jack asked. 

“I’m excited to get back to Samwell. But not for the school part of it. I’ve missed being there though. I miss the team. I miss you.” Bitty said, feeling like he was dancing on the edge of a knife. 

“You talk to me everyday.” Jack pointed out. 

“Yeah, I still miss you though.” Bitty answered.

“I miss you too.” Jack agreed after a long moment. 

“Can I ask you something?” Bitty asked. Jack laughed.

“Of course.” He agreed. 

“When I first came, and you knew who I was, why did you decide not to tell me? Like actually really, why?” Bitty asked. He had been saving this question, it felt important. Jack took a deep breath on the other end of the line. 

“Because you were my internet crush. I thought of you as a safe person to crush on, because I assumed we would never meet so I could flirt with you on the internet and quietly adore you and nothing would come of it. My own feelings terrify me, I haven’t had the best relationship experiences. So when you showed up, and you were there on my team, even more beautiful in person, I was terrified. I was just trying not to make a damn fool of myself, which I naturally managed to do anyway.” Jack confessed. Bitty couldn’t help his sharp inhale. 

“All this time….?” He asked weakly. Jack chuckled awkwardly.

“That was your last question Bittle.” He answered. “I was hoping though, that maybe tomorrow, when you get back. I could ask you a question.”

“Of course.” Bitty said. He couldn’t breathe properly, his chest felt too tight.

“See you tomorrow, Bittle.” Jack said, voice nearly teasing. 

“See you tomorrow.” Bitty choked out. Jack hung up. Bitty turned so he could scream into his pillow. 

‘Just survive until tomorrow.’ He told himself doing his best to calm down enough to go back to sleep. It took a really long time.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm just going to throw it out there that I don't necessarily think Bitty is inexperienced, just that he hasn't had a real boyfriend before (not that he's going to tell his family that lol!)


	22. Chapter 22

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jack talks to Shitty about life. Bitty gets back to the Haus, a question is asked...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> First of all I'm sorry I'm posting this so late! I was on a date with my wonderful girlfriend! 
> 
> Secondly: Please don't hate me for this.... I'm really sorry.

Jack thought he might just explode as he sat in the Haus waiting for Bitty to get back. Bitty was flying back, because, according to him, “Driving from Massachusetts to Georgia and back is a very specific version of hell”. 

“Jack!” Shitty exclaimed, bursting into the Haus. Jack broke himself out of his thoughts to stand up and throw his arms around his best friend. 

“Shits! God, I’ve missed you.” He said. Shitty grinned and kissed him on the cheek. 

“Jack Zimmermann, you beautiful fucker! I love you so much, and I’ve missed you so much.” Shitty exclaimed. Jack laughed, leaning away from where Shitty’s mustache was tickling his face.

“I love you too, Shitty.” Jack agreed. He knew they had a weird friendship, in which there was more nudity and cuddling than normal, but Jack didn’t care much. He adored his best friend. 

“So I was thinking.” Shitty said, pulling Jack over to the couch where they sat down curled up together. 

“You usually are.” Jack agreed. “About what?” 

“About us. And like, my parents gave me a lot of shit this summer, about the fact that college friends don’t last a lot of the time, and that I needed to focus on my internship and befriending the people who ‘Matter.’ I swear to god my father actually said that to me. I nearly killed him.” Shitty says, shaking his head. “I guess the point is, you matter to me, Jack. You’re my best friend and you matter more than almost anyone. Honestly nothing is more terrifying to me than the thought that I might lose you, that we might drift apart or some stupid shit. As far as I’m concerned, you are my best friend, and you will be forever, and that’s important to me.” Shitty actually looked a little scared and it broke Jack’s heart. 

“Shitty, we are not going to drift apart.” Jack promised. “You’re my best friend, and I’m never letting you go, you idiot. Screw what your parents say.” 

“Thanks man,” Shitty said. “I just, everyone acts like if you aren’t married to someone chances are you’re not gonna be able to hang onto them, and it’s dumb because like, our relationship is still important.”

“The most important.” Jack agreed. “You’re family.” Shitty grinned. He leaned against Jack’s side happily. They sat together in silence for a while, just enjoying each other’s company. 

“So what’s going on between you and Bitty?” Shitty asked. 

“I told him that I’ve had a crush on him since before I met him.” Jack answered. “And I was going to ask him out when he gets back today.” 

“Yeah! Go you! I’m so proud of you Jack, way to communicate like a pro.” Shitty said with a smile. Jack grinned back.

“I’m so nervous I feel like I might puke.” Jack confessed. Shitty chuckled.

“It’s gonna be okay.” He promised. “You two have been flirting all summer. You can do this.” 

“Hopefully.” Jack agreed. 

“Wanna cuddle and watch boring ass documentaries until he gets here?” Shitty asked. 

“Sounds good.” Jack agreed. He and Shitty ended up sitting side by side in Jack’s bed, watching a history documentary on Jack’s laptop, which Shitty pretended not to enjoy but secretly did. Jack didn’t hear the Haus door open, but he did hear the sound of a suitcase in the hall and Bitty’s door opening. Jack was on his feet before he realized he was getting up. 

“Go get him.” Shitty said grinning. 

“Do I look okay?” Jack asked nervously. Shitty laughed.

“You look like a male model. Now go!” Shitty told him shoving Jack towards the door. Jack left, hesitating in the hall before knocking on Bitty’s door. 

“Come in!” Bitty called. Jack walked in, and closed the door behind him. Then he did his best to breathe. Bitty looked absolutely stunning. He was wearing short shorts and a tank top and all Jack could see was endless tanned skin with a sprinkling of freckles. Jack pushed down the desire to kiss every single one of them. ‘Later’ he promised himself, ‘If this works out, later.’ Bitty was beaming at him and it was honestly nearly blinding. 

“Jack!” He exclaimed. “It’s so good to see you!” And then he was hugging Jack and Jack was trying not to self combust. 

“It’s good to see you too.” He said, voice a little hoarse. 

“You said you had a question for me.” Bitty said cutting right to the chase. Jack looking down at Bitty who was still half in his arms was desperately trying to remember what he had carefully planned to say. 

“Can I kiss you?” He asked in whisper.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please don't hunt me down and murder me! I'll post the last chapter tomorrow! Love Y'all!


	23. Chapter 23

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jack's question gets answered...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> First of all I am still screaming internally over that update! Secondly: This is it y'all, I really hope you enjoy it!

“Can I kiss you?” Jack’s words stole the breath right out of Bitty’s lungs. He smiled and went up on tiptoe, his lips a few centimeters away from Jack’s.

“Yes.” He whispered back. And then Jack’s lips were on his and Jack’s arms were winding tight around his back even as Bitty wrapped his around Jack’s neck. It was dizzying and perfect and everything Bitty had been dreaming of all summer. Finally they pulled apart, both of them breathing a little quickly. 

“Will you go out with me?” Jack asked. 

“You already used your question.” Bitty teased. Jack’s face fell comically. Bitty snorted and giggled leaning his forehead against Jack’s ridiculously muscled chest. 

“Honey, I’m teasing.” He laughed. “Of course I’ll go out with you.” Jack relaxed, chuckling and shaking his head.

“Don’t do that to me.” He said firmly.

“I’m sorry, sweetheart.” Bitty murmured leaning up to kiss Jack again softly. “I adore you, darling, and you would have to try very hard to get rid of me.” 

“Oh good.” Jack told him. “Because I’m never letting you go if I can help it.” He whispered, and then he was kissing Bitty again. He actually lifted Bitty up off the ground. Bitty took advantage to wrap his legs tight around Jack’s waist, trusting Jack to keep him up. Jack carried him over to Bitty’s bed. Bitty felt giddy with the sheer joy of being here in his bed in the Haus all wrapped up in and making out with with his ridiculous, nerdy, beautiful, sexy, boyfriend.

It was a few hours before Bitty and Jack emerged from Bitty’s room. When they came down into the Haus living room, Shitty, Lardo, Ransom, and Holster who were all sitting there applauded raucously.

“Fucking finally!” Shitty said with a smile.

“I thought I might die of unresolved sexual tension of you two didn’t get together.” Holster muttered. 

“Right?!” Ransom agreed. 

“Shut up morons.” Lardo said shaking her head fondly. “Congrats guys, I’m happy for you.” She added to Jack and Bitty. 

“Y’all are so embarrassing!” Bitty said blushing and shaking his head.

“Thank you, Lardo.” Jack said pointedly. “The rest of you are horrible.” He added but he was grinning.

“We’re just happy for you two.” Shitty said with a smile. “Seriously though, we’ll keep this quiet if you two don’t want people to know.” He added.

“I don’t want to come out until I’m I’ve proved myself in the NHL.” Jack admitted. He glanced over at Bitty. “If that’s okay with you.” He added hesitantly.

“Of course honey, you told me that before we got together.” Bitty told him smiling. “Not that you need my permission to come out or not to anyone. It’s your decision.” He added because it was important. He loved that Jack considered him important enough to have an opinion but Bitty needed him to know that it was entirely up to him. 

“Thanks, Bits.” Jack said grinning.

“Alright, no outing Jack and Bitty.” Shitty agreed looking at their team members seriously. They all agreed immediately promising not to tell anyone about them. 

“Thanks guys, I really appreciate it.” Jack said with a smile. 

“Of course. We’re your team, Jack. We’ve got your back.” Lardo said with a smile. 

“Now I think it’s high time I get into the kitchen. I’ve got some pies to bake!” Bitty said brightly. “We’ve got frogs coming soon, and I’ll be dammed if they aren’t welcomed by pie.” He said marching into his kitchen. He looked up sharply at the sound of a knock on the doorframe. 

“Could I offer you a hand?” Jack asked with a smile. Bitty grinned.

“Of course, sweetheart. Get in here and put on an apron.” 

Jack did as he was told but then came up behind Bitty to wrap his arms tight around him and lean over to kiss him on the cheek. Bitty, who would have once been terrified of being snuck up on and trapped by a huge hockey boy, just giggled and leaned into Jack. He was so perfectly happy. 

Bitty couldn’t help being a little bit blown away by how far he had come from who he used to be. It had been so long since he was the tiny broken boy locked in a utility closet. Bitty felt so much bigger than that boy ever was. Of course his fight with his mental illness wasn’t over, it probably never would be. Except, he knew now that it was a fight he could win, a fight he would win. He would fight and win every single day for as long as he needed to. It wasn’t just that though. He wasn’t afraid the way he used to be anymore. He felt so much freer than he ever had before. Free to be himself no matter what. Most importantly, he wasn’t alone anymore. His parents knew who he was and they loved and supported him. He had a whole team of his friends who loved him and supported him. He had a boyfriend who was everything he could have ever hoped for. And as always, Bitty had his wonderful followers/viewers/fans who had always been there for him. Life had turned out so much better than Bitty could have ever predicted.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay wow... so I've got a lot to say because I am absolutely blown away by the response this fic has gotten. Honestly you guys I don't even know how to tell you how much I appreciate it and how proud I am right now. I have written 28 works in the Check Please fandom, and this fic has more kudos and hits than anything I've ever written! It has far more comments than I have on any of my other fics, and it has over twice as many subscriptions as my second highest fic! I am just fucking amazed that this many of you read and enjoy my work! It means more than I can tell you, seriously. Thank you all so much for reading, leaving kudos and especially thank you for commenting. I adore you all so much!

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading! Let me know what you thought by dropping me some kudos or a comment!


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